A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team this past week. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off below the article.
1. Pythagora:s "It doesn't add up." Hercules: "It’s not a triangle Pythagoras, it doesn't have to add up." Sandi)
1. David Rossi: "Now, most people would ask for the coffee back, but, being a gentleman, c'est la vie." (Laura Markus)
2. Penelope Garcia: "OMG - you have a groupie. That means you're officially a rock star!" (Laura Markus)
1. Jim: "Today at the briefing I saw a list of the children's homes that Spector says he attended. One of those homes I got to know, I got to know very well. Run by a paedophile. Father Fiachra Jensen, a man of my faith, Stella." Stella: "Keep still." Jim: "A man in a position of power, wielding moral authority. His idea of midnight mass? Soixante-neuf with an altar boy, behind the altar, in full vestments, unholy orders. What a fall from grace. I was the arresting officer. Decades later, the lives of the victims...blighted by depression and addiction, broken marriages, self-harm, suicide. Maybe this murderous fuck is a victim too?" Stella "Maybe." (Sandi)
2. Stella sees that her journal has been opened, she flicks through it then reads an entry left for her by Spector, which we hear in the actor's voiceover: "Oh, Stella, how revealing. How exposing. It's all in these pages. Sweet little Stella missing her daddy, lost and alone. Sexy Stella, expressing her deepest, darkest desires. Stroppy Stella, angry and misunderstood, lashing out against the world of men. Oh, Stella Gibson, how well I know you now." (Sandi)
1. Barry: "I mean, if there was an Olympics for bad luck, you didn't just medal, pal. You Michael Phelps-ed." (Bradley Adams and Dahne)
~This line made me roar with laughter. Barry is so gleeful to be mugged that the whole thing is surreal. (Dahne)
2. Barry: "I got mad skills."Joe: "Please don't ever say that again." (Bradley Adams)
3. Caitlin: "You can't just lose your powers. Your DNA was transformed by the particle accelerator blast. There's no way to untransform DNA." Barry: "Tell that to the Uber driver who charged me 65 bucks to take me here. I had to tell her I was coming from a cosplay party." (Sharon Seymour)
~Barry explains to Caitlin how he was forced to improvise after losing his super speed in the midst of a fight with a meta human
4. Iris: "It's okay. A girl's got to be her own hero every now and again." (Dahne)
~I absolutely love this line. It's my favorite of the week. Iris being able to rescue herself was a great twist because it kept her from being the damsel in distress again. Nothing wrong with saving yourself while waiting for your hero to appear.
1. Marissa: "Did you threaten to murder one of your kid's teachers and bleed him out like a pig?" (forced laughter from Johnny and Eli) Alicia: "Well...here's the thing..." (Wilson Crawford)
~In what would end up being the funny sideplot to the incredibly saddening main story revolving around Cary's drug trial, Alicia had to deal with a joke she made to Grace where she quoted her favorite tv show "Darkness Before Noon" and threatened to stab Grace's obnoxious gym teacher for making her run laps while being sick in class.
1. Bruce Wayne: "Please don't run off again. I'm out of breath." (Tonya Papanikolas)
2. Jim Gordon: "Mayor James - kick my ass!" (Tonya Papanikolas)
3. Bruce: "Alfred. Fancy seeing you here." Alfred: "You all right?" Bruce: "I'm fine. How are you?" Alfred: "You really scared me, Master Bruce. If you die who employs butlers anymore?" (Sandi)
2. Mayor James: "You arrogant clowns. You're hacking away at the very foundations of this city. Trying to take me down! Should have the both of you stuffed in a sack and thrown in the river. But I can't do that. Two scapegoats would look like panic. But one of you is going down, mark my words." Harvey Dent: "Sir, that's not right." Mayor James: "Hush. It's not you, Dent. Obviously, it's Mr. Gordon." Harvey Dent: "Sir, I protest." Mayor James: "But not too much. You see, Counselor Dent knows how to walk the line. He knows where the edge is. You, Mr. Gordon, do not know where the edge is." Jim Gordon: "Mayor James. Kiss my ass." (Sandi)
1. Lockhart: "What the fuck? What the fucking fuck?" (Bradley Adams)
~ This line perfectly encapsulated the final few moments of the episode.
2. Carrie: "Do you know who you sound like? Them." (Bradley Adams)
1. Sharon Beck: "All mothers make mistakes!" Rusty: "I know. But your mistakes were against the law." (Wilson Crawford)
~ Rusty really let his mother have it this time when he came to visit her in jail to mention he was being adopted by Capt. Sharon Raydor. She immediately grasped for hurtful things to say to him and reminded him that she will never be replaced, and that she will always be his mother. He was hurt, but he didn't let that stop him from smartly replying to her childish remarks and insisted that what he needed was a family, and that was something she, as a mother, could never provide him.
1. Deeks: "Our kickass Kensilena has a softer, lacy, lady side that no one knows about - but me. And I love it." Kensi: "You couldn't have said that any creepier." Deeks: "Creepy? I thought it was pretty charming." (Tonya Papanikolas)
2. Kensi: "Don't do that. You're freaking me out, Hannibal Lecter." (Tonya Papanikolas)
1. Will: "Do you think it's possible that I'm not as big a TV star as I thought?" (Darth Locke)
2. Will: "A judge is the one who's suppose to decide, not Matthew Broderick from War Games, not Neal and not me." (Darth Locke)
1. Kol: "Where, pray tell, is he now?" Klaus: "He's waiting uncomfortably for me to return and deliver his punishment. Pass the beignets, would you?" (Sharon Seymour)
~Kol and Klaus discussing Finn's incarceration over pastries
1. Elias to Finch: "The world is a violent place, Harold. It always will be. Best we can hope to do while we're here is protect those closest to us." (Diana Mack and Darth Locke)
2. Anthony (Scarface): "As the Romans said.... 'Morior Invictus'." (Bradley Adams)
3. Root: "You can end me all you want. Right after your nap." (Bradley Adams)
1. Happy: "Look, maybe there's supplies up there." Toby: "Oh that's a great idea, Gretel. Let's go to the creepy cottage on the hill." (Dahne)
~There were so many great quotes in this episode that it was hard to pick just two. In the end, Toby snark wins. I liked his vulnerability in this episode but I love his sarcasm more.
2. Happy: "Hey, I'm Happy." Megan: "And I'm dying but you don't see me telling everyone." (Dahne)
~Getting to know Megan was a real treat. She can snark with the best of them and she provides background on Walter. Here's hoping she comes back on a regular basis.
1. Anatoly: "Sabina, my angel, I'm seeing you now waving to me from the window of the cab where I last saw you. I had the best time. We talked about…so much. I will not see you graduate or become a doctor. I will never meet my grandchildren, of which I wish you many, but I've spent these last hours imagining the long life that awaits you. It was wonderful. I'm in the last moments of my life but I'm not sad. I'm relieved. I've done things in my time, treacherous unforgivable things. I've engaged in the most nefarious of professions out of a profound sense of duty. For the lies I've told and the lives I've taken, I ask only forgiveness from you, my love. No matter what is said about me after I'm gone, know that I always, always loved you, my darling. You were the only good, true thing in my life. I will miss you." (Dahne)
~This was the most heartfelt moment on TV this week for me. To watch Charlie listen to his final words to his daughter, when both of them knew what he was sacrificing, was heartbreaking and intense.
2. Charlie: "Alright, I know you were never a big fan." Mo: "On your list of understatements, that one is top 3." (Dahne)
~This was just a small moment between friends instead of colleagues. Charlie doesn't act like someone who has friends so it was nice to see she does and that she has someone watching her back.
1. Crowley: "So you and your halfwit pal threw me into the sex trade. I'm evil. That's just tacky." (Dahne)
~Crowley continues to be the snarkiest best thing about later seasons of Supernatural. This is another classic line.
2. Cole: "How can I believe you? My whole life I've…" Dean: "I get it. That was your story. Look man, I've got one of those two. Okay but those stories that we tell that keep us going…man, sometimes they blind us. They take us to dark places. The kind of place where I might beat the cr** out of a good man just for the fun of it. The people who love me, they pulled me back from that edge. Cole, once you touch that darkness, it never goes away. Now the truth is I'm past saving. I know how my story ends. It's at the edge of a blade or a barrel of a gun. So the question is, is that going to be today? It going to be that gun?" Sam: "You've got a family Cole. I heard you on the phone that night. I'm guessing they need you to come back and they need you to come back whole." (Dahne)
~This was the second best speech of the week for me. I love how Dean could have taken this guy out physically but instead he made a more permanent impression. I also love how Sam makes it personal for him by invoking his family. The Winchesters are always better when they are tackling a problem together.
1. Dawn: “You just told me that your plan was counting on him screwing up. That's some active police work right there.” (Sharon Seymour)
~Dawn, unimpressed by her guard's strategy for apprehending runaway Noah
Honorable Mentions -
1. Carlos: "Well we're public defenders. How successful can we be?" (Dahne)
~Ha! It's the running joke of the whole show how much the odds are NOT in their favor.
2. Micah: "I feel like the kid in Kramer vs. Kramer." (Dahne)
~Micah continues to shine whenever she's on screen. Count on her to say something deadpan to make the moment even funnier.
3. Nina: "Who ordered the discount Don Draper?" (Dahne)
~A suave and trying Phil was a new look for him. I like competent Phil.
Criminal Minds - Garcia - "I think she's a fangirl!" David Rossi - "Is that another name for crazy person? ...It's a psycho fan who thinks I'm Comic Con." (Laura Markus)
1. Kitty: "I hereby forgo my right to tell my non-existent friends that I am pet sitting a sociopathic tortoise." (Dahne)
~Kitty is really growing on me. She has just the right kind of snark and now that she doesn't come off as petulant, quotes like these make my night.
2. Sherlock: "Of all the traits that can be ascribed to a criminal, tech-savvy has got to be my least favorite." Bell: "Well how about bloodthirsty?" (Dahne)
~Sherlock and Bell got some great banter in this episode. I'm not sure savvy criminals at all are good. Bloodthirsty, definitely not.
3. Sherlock: "Paranoia is the byproduct of being consistently right. You should aspire to it." (Dahne)
~Ha! A classic Sherlock line.
4. Sherlock: "When we find this man, he should stand trial for murder and crimes against the English language." (Dahne)
~As a former English teacher, I appreciate Sherlock's vigilance for the poor butchered English language.
The Flash -
1. Caitlin: "With or without your speed, you're still you, Barry." Barry: "No, I'm not. I'm not the best version of me. I love being The Flash." (Dahne)
~One reason why I am really enjoying The Flash is because for once it's not about the reluctant hero grousing over his bad luck to have to save everyone. Barry is actually enthusiastic about being a hero and enjoys that aspect of his life. It's an ideal that works well for him and the show.
2. Barry: "Tony might have been a bully then and now but he didn't deserve to die." Wells: "Does Caitlin or Cisco or me or you? I had a choice to make, him or us. I chose us without a second thought." Barry: "All your talk about miracle cures and scientific breakthroughs, but you don't care about people at all." Wells: "Maybe you care too much, Barry. I know being a hero is important to you and I respect your ideals. I just don't have the luxury of sharing them." Barry: "I forgot your game is chess. We're all just pawns to you, right? So what's your move, doctor? Which one of us gets sacrificed next?" (Dahne)
~Finally Barry realizes that Wells is a bad guy who makes fanatical choices.
1. Juliette: "Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up more ammo." Monroe: "I'm sorry. You brought your gun." Juliette: "Yeah." (Dahne)
~This is the Juliette I want to see. One who takes part in the solutions and is ready to kick butt.
2. Hank: "What the hell is this?" Wu: "The stuff nightmares are made of…or bad art." (Dahne)
~Wu makes everything better, especially with his snarky one liners.
1. Jackson: "I have no idea where this is going but it can't possibly be good." (Dahne)
~One reason why I love Nurse Jackson so much is that often time she says aloud what I am thinking. There is nothing good about this show going anywhere in the love department. Nothing.
2. Jackson: "Do you remember what I told you this morning?" Kara: "That I shouldn't have sex because I'll have a heart attack and die." Jackson: "No, I said you were going to get hurt. My job is to protect your heart, Kara, in every possible way." (Dahne)
~The other reason I love Nurse Jackson is because despite her gruff exterior, she really does have these kids' bes tinterests at heart, even when they can't see it.
3. Leo: "Well see this is exactly what first dates are for - learning incredibly boring things about each other." (Dahne)
~Bwah! Such wisdom from such an inexperienced dater.
1. Paige: "I don't remember Old Macdonald having a gun in that song." (Dahne)
~Ha! Paige doesn't usually get the good lines so this made the quote even funnier.
2. Toby: "Did we enter a cabin or a wormhole?" (Dahne)
~The cabin that Toby and Happy take refuge in looks like a throwback to the 80's. All that nostalgia helped make the quote stand out.
3. Paige: "I can handle this. I'm part of the team." Cabe: "Part of it? You're the glue, kid." (Dahne)
~I love how other people are seeing how important Paige is as well. I feared she would be dead weight at first, but they have done a great job of showing her value just in her normalcy.
4. Cabe: "Welcome to the Charmin Express." (Dahne)
~I love how the normally serious Cabe pulls off this silly line. I guess having to make a fan belt out of toilet paper will make anyone a little goofy.
1. Abbie: "It is one of these swords, right? Because if it's not and I die in here, I'll be kicking some serious Templar a** in the afterlife." (Dahne)
~I feel Abbie's frustration here. Plus I don't think it was an empty threat.
2. Ichabod: "I want redemption for you, Abraham, yet all I see is the ghost of a man I once knew." Abraham: "Well Ichabod, that is because I am dead." Ichabod: "Your path was on course already towards this creature of darkness you've become." Abraham: "I am what you made me. I am the one who traveled to the New World to forge a new path. You forced you way on to it. I found a wife. You stole her from me as if it were your destiny and not something you arrested from a man you dared to call friend." Ichabod: "Abraham that is not what…" Abraham: "No, I was supposed to be the hero of this story, not the villain." Ichabod: "Do not dare put this on me. You chose the mantle of death. You chose Moloch. Two choices made in an instant that insured Katrina would never love you." (Dahne)
~All the scenes between Ichabod and Headless were intense, but this one was the best. Kudos to both actors.
3. Ichabod: "George Washington? He was our Liar in Chief. He formed the Culper spy ring. That was a network of liars." Abbie: "Thank you Colonial Mythbuster." (Dahne)
~This one just made me laugh.
4. Ichabod: "Our quest will not be without peril." Abbie: "Crane, you and I can't have lunch without peril." (Dahne)
~So sad and yet so true.
5. Ichabod: "I made torches. Fashioned my socks into batting and soaked them in pitch I dug from a new pine bough." Abbie: "I brought flares. You just light 'em." Ichabod: "Well one can never have enough torches." (Dahne)
~This was the funniest scene, mostly because of the facial expressions of the actors as they said these lines.
~Deputy Chief Kindrick was a revelation this episode. She cleared up questions and made it clear that she was there for Beth even if Beth didn't feel she deserved the attention. I love how her first appearance on the show sped up a subplot that was starting to stall.
1. Crowley: "Wipe that ridiculous smile off your face. What? You want a medal? A thank you for cleaning up a mess you made? Everyone working for more is touched, touched in the head. Squalling, incompetent infants." (Dahne)
~Crowley being unhappy with his demons is always a fun time.
2. Rowena: "The King at last. King of what? Lilliput. I mean I heard you were short but…Well, get to it. Time for the coup de grace. Wee boy, something the matter with you? Cat got your tongue. Meow." Crowley: "Mother." (Dahne)
~I really love the idea of Rowena as Crowley's mother and hope this leads to much good snarking.