A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team and some lovely people on Twitter this past week. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off below the article.
1. Maggie: “You're nothing! You could be a pillow, a donut, a sock!” (Sharon Seymour) ~Maggie, trying to impress upon Ima Wiggles how little it means to a drunken Jimmy that they're bumping uglies
2. Stanley: “You should see it when it's angry.” (Sharon Seymour) ~Stanley, after whipping out his jaw-dropping member in front of Dell
1. Ra's al Ghul: "Fight me, boy." Oliver: "You're unarmed." Ra's: "I will take your blades from you once you are through with them." (Bradley Adams)
2. Arrow, referring to the bound criminal: "Merry Christmas." Quentin: "Well, I feel bad. I didn't get you anything." (Bradley Adams)
1. Bernadette: "Why did you turn it off?" Sheldon: "Because in the last 10 minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy, and ran grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sang songs about him." (Dahne)
2. Santa: "Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough." (Dahne)
1. Rossi: "You and Beth broke up. I got a 20 year old bottle of scotch that you could drown your sorrows in." (Laura Markus)
2. Garcia: "Garcia's the name, the 4-11's the game." (Laura Markus) ~The sass levels on this show clearly have not decreased.
1. Jensen: "Would you call me Father?" Burns: "You've been defrocked, dismissed from the clerical state. You are no longer a priest." Jensen: "Do you know what is sung at a priest's ordination? You are a priest forever like Melchizedek of old. A priest acts on earth as an altar Cristos. That is, as another Christ." Burns: "I know one of your victims believed that he was being touched by the hand of God, while you were molesting him. Because that's what you told him." Burns: "All of those boys were willing participants. Every one of them consented, I never forced myself on anyone. They wanted to learn about sex. Explore their sexual identities. They enjoyed it. If they deny that now it's because they can't face their real natures." Burns: "A child's consent does not count. What you were doing had nothing to do with exploring their sexuality and everything to do with misusing power and abusing trust." Jensen: "I never hurt a boy physically." Burns: "And that's a source of pride, is it? Do you feel no shame, no guilt?" Jensen: "Why should I?" Burns: "Shame for who you are. Guilt at what you've done." Jensen: "I was showing children love, expressing affection." Burns: "By performing oral sex on twelve year olds! How many of those boys still have faith in the Catholic Church, still have faith in God do you think?" (Sandi)
2. Rose: "My wrists are sore. Can you untie me please? Peter. Can you unloosen these please? I'm thirsty. Can you untie me please? Please? Please can you untie me? Please take me home. Please take me home? My babies will be missing me. They're only little, they're young. They need me Peter. They need me Peter. I'm sorry. You were right. I did go to the police. Go to the police. I never will again. If you untie me now, I won't tell anybody what's happened. Please Peter. Please Peter, would you talk to me? I miss what we had. I do. Tom, he's not like you. No-one's like you. Untie me and we can have what we had again. It can be better. I know it's wrong but I'm so turned on. Peter. You fucking disgust me! You piece of shit. You fucking worm! I know it's you. You pervert. You fucking pervert. You dickless piece of shit. You're a monster. You're a monster. You're a monster. You're a fucking aberration! Fuck you! Fuck you! Please take me home! You must've had a terrible childhood to do this to me. I feel sorry for you, I really do. You must've had a terrible childhood. I feel sorry for you. I don't want to die here. Peter please! You want to be noticed. You want to be paid attention to. Make your mark. Fine. Hurt me. Do whatever you want to me. Go ahead. Do your worst. Nothing you can do will ever take away how much I love my husband. How much I love my children. Nothing you can do can make me devalue my life in any way. I will celebrate life. I love and I am loved and nothing that you can do can take that away! Do you know that! DO YOU KNOW THAT?" (Sandi)
~ There may have been no murders this season, but these are easily two of the most disturbing scenes of the whole series in the penultimate episode this week. The defrocked Father Jensen was an utterly despicable and loathsome man, it makes my skin crawl knowing that there are people out there that do think as he does. The Rose monologue was a powerful scene. Spector filming and then editing together her desperation in captivity was heartbreaking to watch. I hope that she gets out of this experience alive and is reunited with her family next week.
1. Cisco: "Then we need to get cracking and stop this speed psycho. That... I wasn't trying to give him a name." (Bradley Adams and Sandi)
2. Caitlin: "I used to play this game in my head. What would I give up for just one more minute with him? My house, my career... The rest of my life? Today I finally got that minute. And I wish I hadn't." (Bradley Adams)
3. Joe: "When you first moved in with us, I thought it was gonna be too much. I'm already a single dad, finances were tough and you were a little boy who just lost his mother. But, man, was I wrong. Within two weeks, you had changed the whole dynamic of the house. Suddenly the house was filled with this light. This energy. I mean, you brightened up everything. You'd seen more darkness than any man will in a lifetime, and you never let it dim your soul. So there I was, thinking that I'm changing your life by taking you in, but the truth is you changed mine. So don't lose that light now, Bar. The world may need The Flash, but I need my Barry Allen." (Sandi)
1. Wu: "Uh, I 'm not sure I understand what average is anymore in this city. Not that I have any opinion that makes sense because you know, I'm ready to go with vampire or wolfman. Do I sound a little stressed? It doesn't matter." (Dahne)
2. Wu: "I need you to answer a few questions for me. I've been thinking about it a lot and this job requires someone of stable mind and body and to be honest, stable is far from what I'm feeling right now." Nick: "Wu, you're good at what you do." Wu: "No, I'm not. I don't know what's real anymore. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm seeing things that I can't explain. All I know is I'm going to leave the best job I've ever had and you're going to let me." Hank: "Wu, this is not the time." Wu: "No Hank, it never is. I think you both know what's going on and for some reason you're keeping me in the dark. I just hope it's a really good reason. So I'm done." (Dahne)
1. Carrie: "I'm trying to kill the motherfucker who's trying to kill us!"
2. Quinn: "This is a surgical strike, it's not a suicide mission. They'd rather run than engage in firefight." Private Bryce: "You sure?" Quinn: "No."
1. Snow: “Whale is a doctor. He at least knows which part is which." (Lorena)
2. Snow: "I killed the evil queen's mommy, and I said I was sorry. And I didn't mean it." (Lorena)
3. Snow: "Still wanna hold hands and sing zip-pa-dee-doo-dah?" (Alyssa Rosetti)
4. Evil Queen: “What the hell am I wearing?!” (Sharon Seymour) ~The Evil Queen is not a fan of Regina's pantsuits
1. Klaus: “I wish you would tell Elijah you're marrying your werewolf suitor, at which I will pour him a scotch and congratulate him on the bullet he dodged.” (Sharon Seymour)
2. Kol: "“I think I'd be a bit testy too if my old ex was about to jump into my new ex. I think that'd be a bit, uh…”
Cami: “Awkward?” Kol: “I was going to say kinky, but…” (Sharon Seymour)
1. Mary: "It is you. I remember you." Severin: "I make no apologies. You deserved what I gave you." Conde: "You savage!" Mary "You will be hanged for what you did to me. You will suffer and die, and I will live. In a hundred years, as Queen, I will be remembered, and your name will be forgotten. You'll see that you are erased from history.
And God have mercy on your soul." Severin: "Damn your pity and your king! God will forgive me. He will grant me absolution from the fire." Mary (throwing the oil lantern on him, setting him on fire): "Kill them and let them burn with their sins." (Sandi)
2. Catherine: "Henry? You can't be real." Henry: "Don't I feel real?" Catherine: "Stop. St..stop it. What is happening to me? Why are you here?" Henry: "The Twins found me. You mustn't feel guilty about Claude. You did right by us." Catherine: "No, but.." Henry: "Doesn't this feel right, too? The fun we'll have, Catherine. Say it, say it, say that you want me back. Catherine, please, I need you to say it." Catherine: "I want you back." (Sandi) ~ Haha, I love that they have found a way to get Alan Van Sprang back on the show for a while, and mad Catherine is going to be loads of fun!!
1. Jax: "I'm sorry, I did what I know how to do, what Gemma knew what had to be done. The lies caught up to all of us man, I tried to hide from it, make it legit, run away from it. This is who I am, I can't change" (Robert Fruin)
2. Jax "When the time comes, she needs to tell my boys who I really am. I'm not a good man, I'm a criminal" (Robert Fruin)
1. Dean: "Cas, I need you to promise me something." Cas: "Of course." Dean: "If I do go dark side, you gotta take me out." Cas: "What do you mean?" Dean: "Knife me, spike me, throw me into the freaking sun, whatever. And don't let Sam get in the way because he'll try. I can't go down that road again, man. I can't be that thing again."
2. Crowley: "She was a horrible mother. Did I tell you the time she almost traded me for 3 pigs? Three! I was an attractive child. I could juggle. I was worth 5 pigs at least."
The 100 -
1. Jaha: "Everything we did to survive, you're just throwing it all away. Why?" Abby: "Because I have faith too…in my daughter."
2. Harper: "I just want to go home." Cage: "I know. So do we."
3. Abby: "Clarke, you said that Lincoln is going through withdrawal. We don't even know what he's withdrawing from. The detox alone could kill him." Clarke: "That's where you come in." Abby: "And if I can't save him?" Clarke: "That's not an option."
4. Jasper: "We're criminals right? So let's be criminals."
5. Jasper: "And they said we wouldn't amount to anything."
Agents of SHIELD -
1. Hunter: "Join SHIELD. Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people and kill them."
2. Cal: "Thank you for meeting with me." Skye: "Thank you for…are you serious? I was kidnapped off a plane at gunpoint. That's all you have to say?"
3. Coulson: "Six members of our team are still alive because of what you did. That needs to count for something."
4. Coulson: "Two goals: Stop the drill and find Skye." Hunter: "Aren't you forgetting a third?" Coulson: "What's that?" Bobbi: "Don't die out there. We tend to remind each other not to die." Coulson: "I thought that was implicit."
5. Coulson: "You know what we could use?" May: "Another 50 men?" Coulson: "I was going to say a dozen, but I like your idea ever."
1. Nina: "What does it say about me though that the only other person who gets me is batsh** crazy?" Phil: "That you're batsh** crazy." Nina: "That was a rhetorical question."
2. Geoffrey: "Do you actually work here because I've never seen you do anything?"
3. Edie: "I am sorry when people refer to their exes as crazy. It's like, hey maybe you made them crazy, dude."
1. Amy: "You won." Penny: "It certainly doesn't feel like it, does it?"
2. Sheldon: "Ulgh, English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding and then here comes a cake with raisins in it."
3. Bernadette: "Wow, you really love her." Sheldon: "I do. Now let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless."
4. Sheldon: "It's the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty, sad, wishing you were Jewish?"
Castle - Beckett: “So, you believe Dino because he gave you a paper cut…?” (Sharon Seymour)
Criminal Minds - Rossi: "What about online dating? [...] Bad idea." (Laura Markus)
1. Bell: "Nutmeg concoction? Sounds like something my aunt would give me for Christmas." Sherlock: "Well be grateful she didn’t cause you would have dissolved from the inside out."
2. Watson: "Looks like one of them's a lawyer." Kitty: "Probably him. He looks boring."
3. Watson: "How do 2 adults have a relationship where one never calls the other anything but The Nose?"
The Flash -
1. Joe: "When you first moved in with us, I thought it was going to be too much. I'm already a single dad. Finances were tough and you were a little boy who just lost his mother, but man was I wrong. Within 2 weeks, you would change the whole dynamic of the house. Suddenly the house was filled with this light, this energy. I mean you brightened up everything. You've seen more darkness than any man will in a lifetime and you never let it dim your soul. So there I was thinking that I'm changing your life by taking you in, but truth is you changed mine. So don't lose that light now, Bar. The world may need The Flash, but I need my Barry Allen. Let's go home."
2. Henry: "Hear me now. The man in the yellow suit has taken enough from us already. Don't let him take anymore."
3. Caitlin: "I used to play this game in my head. What would I give up for just one more minute with him? My house, my career, the rest of my life. Today I finally got that minute and I wish I hadn't. Seeing him like that, what he's become. Dear God, I wish he had just died that day."
4. Joe: "Okay, the only red suited dude I want in this house right now is Kris Kringle. You got it?"
5. Nora: "See you're not afraid of the dark, Barry. You're afraid of being alone in the dark, and that goes away when you realize something. You're never really alone."
1. Lucas: "A sword, gotcha. Okay I'll put an APB out for the Highlander." Henry: "Who?"
2. Reece: "And doctor please, invest in some pajamas."
3. Abe: "Are you crazy? You're being stalked by a psychopath who can't be killed."
The Goldbergs -
1. Adam: "Maybe because I don't want there to be a world where we live a mile away and never speak." Murray: "Look at me. That will never be us." Adam: "Really?" Murray: "Yeah, I'll always be right here."
2. Adam: "We all know that ET's about an absent father, right?" Pops: "No, what movie were you watching? All I saw was a magic frogman build a telephone out of a Speak & Spell."
3. Barry: "Find your own island paradise."
4. Adam: "A puppet? Is Fozzie Bear just a puppet? Is Alf just a puppet? Is Yoda…" Murray: "Yes, those are all puppets."
5. Adam: "Who watches ET and sides with the FBI agents? Who does that?"
1. Wu: "The cause of death in each one of these cases is what I would call Portland-esque, and by that I mean it's weird."
2. Hank: "Goatsucker? We've had worse."
3. Monroe: "I wish we could leave on a trip and not feel like something's going to go horribly wrong while we're gone."
The Librarians -
1. Flynn: "I apparently set off a trap, which I have about 3 minutes to disarm before the opal transforms every corpse in the 100-mile radius into flesh-eating zombies, which seems unnecessarily dramatic."
2. Flynn: "Nope. I'm the Librarian. Librarians win with knowledge. Librarians win with science. Librarians win with electromagnets."
3. Jake: "Who are these guys?" Baird: "Ninjas? Possibly." Jake: "In Oklahoma?" Baird: "That's what I said."
4. Ezekiel: "Wow, my lack of faith in humanity's restored."
5. Jake: "Is that a flying sword?" Flynn: "Excalibur." Ezekiel: "Of course it is."
6. Baird: "You must be feeling better. You're not making any sense."
Once Upon a Time - Snow: "You know what, Swiss Miss? You do know me. I pick flowers, I talk to birds, I do all kinds of warm fuzzy things. "You know what else? I kill." (Lorena)
1. Toby: "The man's name is Dirty John and he did time. What the hell are we playing 20 Questions for?"
2. Toby: "You think a sniper rifle's going to take me out? Once you think I'm gone, I come back." Happy: "Like herpes."
3. Sylvester: "What's in the box?" Toby: "Oh something I have owed you for 6 years. Super Fun Guy comics, first 50 issues, silver age classics." Sylvester: "Toby, that's your whole paycheck." Toby: "I know and it's making me sick. I'm going to go now 'cause I'm a doctor and I know you need your rest. Otherwise, I'd be staying here all night pal. The rest of you clowns, let this guy sleep."
4. Toby: "Is there a reason you had a fake blood pack and retractable knife just lying around?" Happy: "I had to teach an old boyfriend a lesson."
Sons of Anarchy - Jax: "I think the struggle is what I understand best. The one I feel the most is the war of the mind; happens when you try to get right with both family and patch, but fear and guilt crippled me. I realized as I think you did, a good outlaw and a good father cant set inside the same man. I'm sorry J.T it was too late for me. It was already inside me; and Gemma she had plans. It’s not too late for my boys; I promise they will never know this life of chaos. I know who you are now, what you did. I love you dad." (Robert Fruin)
1. Perry: "And what due cause do you have? I don't see anything. Do you?" Janice: "No, but being a detective and all, I'm pretty good at looking."
2. Chase: "You see gentlemen, I'm a respected member of a highly litigious community. I don't need to stalk anyone. I sue them."
State of Affairs -
1. Charlie: "Well maybe because there's no gun emoticon, we can just assume they're saying hi."
2. Charlie: "What, are you moonlighting as a leash now?"
3. Syd: "Hey watch your mouth, kid. I'd protect Charlie to my dying day, but I can't lay down cover for her here. Krieg's a phantom. Trying to pin him down's like trying to drive a nail through smoke. They can reach out and touch anyone at anytime. Your lead's a dead end."
1. Dean: "Cas, listen to me. Some stuff, you've just got to let go. Okay, the people you let down, the ones you can't save. You've got to forget about 'em for your own good." Cas: "Is that what you do?" Dean: "That's the opposite of what I do, but I'm not exactly a role model."
2. Crowley: "I didn't even have a father." Rowena: "Of course you had a father. You were just conceived during a winter solstice orgy and it's not like I was taking names."
White Collar -
1. Moz: "You know this hasn't always been about you protecting me."
2. Neal: "You two have been spending an awful lot of time together. I fear bonding."
3. El: "You need to stop worrying, My pregnancy is not a case." Peter: "What if I give the baby a tiny little anklet? Neal's is very comforting."