A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the SpoilerTV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Governor: “You didn’t tell me he’d have a gun?” Alex: “Well, he wasn’t gonna use it.” Governor: “How did you know that?” Alex: “He’s Canadian.” (Prpleight and Dahne)
2. Alex: “What is this? The unofficial official bad guy bar of Sebu?” (Dahne)
Ernesto to Alex: “It feels like you’re heading towards one of those ideas that puts me in mortal danger.” (Dahne)
1. Oliver: “Oh you wouldn’t know what I thought because you didn’t invite me. You invited Trip, Franklin and Lonnie.” Greg: “I invited them because they do not mock me like you do. Whenever I share an interest, I can count on you to make fun of it and this reenactment is a big deal for me. So why would I want to be around you for it?” (Folie-lex)
2. Oliver: “Can you believe my dad said he didn’t want me around?” Cooper: “Are you actually asking me? ‘Cause if you’re asking me, I’m going to tell you the truth.” Oliver: “I’m asking.” Cooper: “Then yes, I can believe he said that. You can be a complete and total jerk to him sometimes.” Oliver: “Hey!” Cooper: “Do you have any idea how lucky you are? My dad’s somewhere in the Aegean Sea right now. That’s all he told me. It’s like...can’t a guy get some coordinates or something? And all your dad wants to do is share his interests with you, but you’re too busy crapping all over him to notice.” Oliver: “Where are you going?” Cooper: “I’m switching sides. Your dad’s a general worth fighting for.” (Folie-lex)
3. Franklin, on why he picked Trip as the subject of his hero paper: “We read at the same level, we have the same taste in girls, and you’re the nicest person I know. Isn’t that what being a hero is all about?” (Folie-lex)
1. Mateo: “Yo, how come she’s always the genius and we’re the idiotas.” Rafael: “This I ask myself everyday.”
2. Natalie: “Go away.” Mari: “Sorry. You didn’t get the mom that goes away. You got the mom that smothers.”
3. Daniel about Natalie: “Dad, give her a break. She just wanted to help Mom.” Rafael: “If she wants to help her mother, she’ll get into Princeton. We have already two idiotas to take over the bakery.”
1. Stevens: “That is exactly why I keep none of my real estate but all of my guns registered in Connor’s name.” Daphne: “It should be so much easier to steal the rest of this company from you.” (Folie-lex)
2. Dre: “Black men do not get emotional in public. Michael Jordan cried once and it’s a meme.” (Folie-lex)
3. Dre: “What was I supposed to do, Bow? It’s like I saw him naked, and I did what I would have done had I saw him naked: I ran away.” Bow: “I...I’m trying to think of a worse possible response, but...there’s nothing.” (Folie-lex)
1. Mike: “I just love my family so much!” Rio: “I know. I feel like I’ve witnessed more hugging today than I have in my entire childhood.” (Folie-lex)
2. Martin: “This farm is your canvas, and you are Picasso. Actually you’re better than Picasso because you don’t date teenagers.” (Folie-lex)
3. Rio, coming last from the run and out of breath: “Thank God, you guys stop every mile to do push ups. Otherwise you would have lapped me!” (Folie-lex)
1. Guy, flirtily: “Looks like we’ll be spending some more time together.” Abishola, deadpan: “Bring a book.”
2. Dottie: “Really? 28 miles an hour?” Abishola: “Why are you complaining? I thought you didn’t want to go?” Dottie: “I don’t but I also don’t want to die of old age getting there.”
3. Dottie: “I’m guessing you’re not married.” Hank: “Because of no ring?” Dottie: “Because who’d want ya.”
1. Luis: "I was right to push you. The raise is all because of me! Excuse me. The heat has made me say what I'm actually thinking." (Prpleight)
2. Javier: “I can’t believe we’ve been dancing around you owing us money all night because I was so afraid of what you might think if you found out that we are broke. And my wife has stuck by my side through all of this because she is the most amazing person I know. Yes, she’s from Reseda and she’s damn proud of it.” Lizzie: “Well…” Javier: “Okay, mostly okay with it and because I have her I’m the richest person in the world. So you can take your judgment…(starts chewing them out in Spanish).” (Dahne)
3. Jackie: “Lizzie’s kind of gotten in my head. Maybe I am a little harsh.” Luis: “You’re not harsh. You’re a passionate woman with a large capacity for insults.” (Dahne)
4. Amir: “I just have my walking around money.” Lizzie: “Well, walk it over here.” ~~This isn’t so much the quote itself but how much attitude it was said with that makes it awesome. (Dahne)
1. Holt, repeatedly about Cheddar: “Someone took our Fluffy boy!” (Folie-lex)
2. Holt: “You’ve captured the essence of Kevin. You’ve done it.” Jake, in Kevin voice: “Correction. I’ve accomplished it.” (Folie-lex)
3. Holt: “Relax, Peralta. That wasn’t even the coolest thing I’ve ever done.” Jake: “What have you done that’s cooler?” Holt: “It was the ‘80s. It was nothing. I mean, they made a movie out of it, but whatever.” Jake: “What? What movie?” Holt: “I don’t remember the title. Uh, there was a crime on a plane. I was a passenger.” Jake: “Was it Passenger 57?” Holt: “I honestly don’t know.” Jake: “It had to have been. Just say it was that.” Holt: “You know Peralta, sometimes I don’t understand the words coming out of your mouth.” Jake: “Oh, my God! Was it Rush Hour?” Holt: “What? No. You know what? I’m too old for this crap.” Jake: “It was Lethal Weapon?! Sir! Are you Murtaugh?! Does that make me Riggs? I’m Riggs!” (Folie-lex)
1. Ray: “But the reason why I never told you the truth about not being your biological father was because it never really mattered to me. From the day you were born, you were my daughter, and to admit otherwise would have been a little too painful, because the truth is, I love you too damn much.” Maggie: “Love you, too, Dad.” (Marko)
2. Marisol: “I know the world can be a cruel and frustrating place. But when you feel yourself start to lose your temper, I need you to breathe. Because when women like you and I lash out, there is no second chance.” (Marko)
3. Maggie: “Look, I get that it must have sucked finding out your wife cheated and had a kid that wasn't yours, but it's also really hard to be that kid. Living a life with so many missing pieces, and not being able to talk to the one person who can fill in the blanks, because, like it or not, Dexter is gone, Mom is gone, and that just leaves you! Ray, it is just you!” (Marko)
4. Jordan: “But having a panic attack doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you're human.” (Marko)
1. Harris: “Your old people sex is destroying the Earth!” Ben: “We’re not going to be here that long so we don’t care.” ~~Daughter Harris thinks mom Darlene and partner Ben should adopt instead of having more children with an already overpopulated planet. (Kath)
2. Ben: “I want tiny, psychotic babies with you.” ~~Ben reassures Darlene that there is no other Baby Mama on his mind. (Kath)
1. Clint: “ Aren’t you the guy who told us when to hold the line and when to give a little?” Jess: “I guess I’m that guy.” Clint: “Yeah, you’re that guy but now you don’t have Angelyne to straighten you out.” (Folie-lex)
2. Jess: “You know, your mom used to think before she made a decision, any decision. Not like us. You didn’t think before you decided to wander off and I didn’t think before I decided to ground you. So, I was thinking, maybe we should try to be a little bit more like mom. Deal?” Tali: “Deal!” (Folie-lex)
3. Clint: “Guess the guy has a type.” Sheryll & Hana: “Melissa’s prettier.” Kenny: “They said it first.” (Folie-lex)
4. Jess: “Old-time westerns: Shane, Fort Apache. Good and bad with a hard line between the two.” Clinton: “Don’t talk to me about westerns, bro.” (Dahne)
5. Sheryll: “Keep hope alive. Denial meets delusion.” (Dahne)
1. Allie: “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but life’s too short not to be honest with the people you love.”
2. Zack: “Let me get this straight. So, hacking into the Department of Defense is off limits, but hacking into DARPA, one of the most top secret government think tanks in this country, is cool?” Rakesh: “Well actually, Cory works at DARPA, so technically we’d just be helping him gain access to his own facility.” Zack: “Oh great. I’ll make sure to tell that to my lawyer when we’re arrested for treason.”
3. Ally: “Look, I want your support, your strength, your hope, but what I don’t want is to pretend like everything is going to be okay because that only makes me more terrified.”
Killing Eve -
1. Kenny to Eve: “You really shouldn’t leave your front door open, considering the amount of people that tried to kill you.” (Kath)
1. Russ: “Just once, I would like to work with a mad scientist who files things alphabetically.” (Dahne)
2. Matty: “She works at DARPA.” Cheryl: “Yeah, the money’s good and my student loan payoff date is 2064. Quick question: Have you ever had a psychotic break and if so, do you anticipate becoming violent?” (Prpleight and Dahne)
3. Mac: “When faced with obstacles in the dystopian nightmare that is your subconscious, sometimes you need a distraction so you don’t careen hopelessly down a shame spiral into oblivion.” (Dahne)
1. Higgins: “When there’s no one here, you needn’t call me ‘Boo,’ and since Krista and Gil aren’t posing for a photo, we needn’t either. I’d rather get hit in the face with a golf shoe.
Bert: “Did somebody say golf? Gladys and I are avid players.
Magnum: “Really? So is she! Ain’t that right, Boo? (I think someone was just looking for an excuse to call someone Boo.
2. Higgins: “Ah yes, ‘tie the knot.’ That custom in antiquity, where couples are literally tied to one another, in ceremony, to signify their bond.” Gladys: “I take it you two are just dating.” (Folie-lex)
3. Higgins: “All I’m saying is, personally, I find it refreshing when a man can muster up the courage to ask me out in person, opposed to using some app.” Magnum: “Okay, so in this clear hypothetical, do you ever say ‘yes’?” Higgins: “I said, ‘I find it refreshing.’ “ Magnum: “So that’s a no.” (Folie-lex)
1. Paul: “How is trying to help the environment a white thing?” DeeDee: “Because we didn’t make the mess. We couldn’t even own trash for over 400 years. But now you want me to help you sort it?” Paul: “Well...um, in our defence this is a very simple system.” DeeDee: “Sorry but, since we never got our reparations, littering is one of the only ways black people get to feel powerful.” (Folie-lex)
2. Adult Bow voiceover: “I couldn’t count on anyone - not my teachers or my parents, but I still knew all I had to do was stay positive.” Bow: “We don’t have long to live.”
3. Adult Bow voiceover: “When my dad fought the power, he was as cool as the wind blowing through his hair. And when my mom fought the power, she was just as cool as dad, even if Hollywood fans didn’t take into account the fact that she had different hair texture.” (Folie-lex)
NCIS -
1. Gibbs: “It shouldn’t take a war to make the world that simple.” (Kath)
1. Fatima: “I feel like you guys always change it up.” Kensi: “What? No. There’s so much drama and intrigue out in the field that when we’re home or at the office, we are like slow and steady monogamous lifers, essentially. We’re like NCIS agents by day and CPA’s by night.”
2. Deeks to Beale: “No, my takeaway is that you’re incredibly talented and you could be working anywhere making millions of dollars but instead you choose to work here because you want to make a difference. And I appreciate that and more importantly, I appreciate you.”
3. Rush: “The FBI does not travel light.” Fatima: “Yeah, no kidding.” Rush: “You wanted a list of everyone at the agency who knew Patricia’s comings and goings since her arrival in the US in the last four days. Now you have them.” Kensi: “Okay, this isn’t a stall tactic, is it?” Rush: “Not at all. Absolutely not. We are as bloated and inefficient an agency as this list would indicate.”
1. Patton, after reading the victim’s bad poetry: “Girl needs to find a better way to deal with her breakups because these words ain’t winning anyone over.”
2. Gregorio: “Hey, I don’t have Sebastian here to de-geek this stuff, so a little help.”
3. Carter: “Wait, how did I manage to p** off HQ already? I just got here.”
1. Dave: “You made a classic mistake. You brought dolls to a moose fight.” (Prpleight)
2. Tina: “Well, if you hate it so much, then tell him to take it down.” Gemma: “I did, and he accused me of being manipulative.” Tina: “Oh, wow. So he figured it out.” (Prpleight and Folie-lex)
3. Calvin: “Not every man cares enough to trick his wife into being happy.” (Folie-lex)
1. Elena: “We are not going trick-or-treating. We are going door-to-door to collect signatures and inform people about man-made climate change.” Syd: “Shouldn’t we say ‘person’-made climate change?” Elena: “I’m good with the men taking credit for this one.” (Folie-lex)
2. Penny: “Ah! Drag-race. That’s cute!” Avery: “Oh, no. Don’t say that.” Schneider: “Cute? Do you think I tucked and taped for ‘cute’?” Penny: “You’re in a dress. I think you tucked and taped for nothing.” (Folie-lex)
3. Syd: “Who knew Halloween was FUN!” Lydia: “Literally, everybody.” (Folie-lex)
4. Elena: “With that bobo in the White House, I can’t stand to look at an orange face right now.” Lydia: “He’s like a pumpkin. He will get thrown out in November.” (Jamie)
5. Schneider: “The prize is an Ipad Mini and I never win anything.” Elena: “You’re a rich, straight, cisgender white dude. You won at life.” Schneider: “But I want an Ipad Mini.” (Jamie)
6. Lydia: “Papito! What have you done? You look just like your abuelo. Tonight, I will put you in his suit and we will dance.” Alex: “Oh, I’ve made a big mistake.” (Folie-lex and Jamie)
7. Penelope: “Elena, is there any way this positive pregnancy test is yours?” Elena: “How many times do you want me to come out? You do know you need a man for that, right?” Lydia: “Excuse me, I think the Virgin Mary would clap back.” (Folie-lex and Jamie)
Outlander -
1. Jocasta: "How careful we would be if we knew which good-byes would be our last?" (Prpleight)
1. Emmett: “Bradford’s your T.O.?” Lucy: “Yeah.” Emmett: “My condolences.” Lucy: “That’s what everyone says.” (Folie-lex)
2. Lucy, to Tim: “Look I wouldn’t ask you advice if I didn’t value your opinion.” (Folie-lex)
3. Grey: “Imma do something I never thought I would; I’m gonna buy you a beer.” Nolan: “Sir? Whoa. I’m touched that you would even offer.” Grey: “You gonna make this weird? ‘Cause I can take it back.” Nolan: “No! I’m shutting up about it right now. You wanna grab a bite to eat too, because there’s…(Grey walks away.) You know what? Just a beer. That’s fine. I’m busy, too.” (Folie-lex)
1. Isobel: “I need to talk to Max.” Rosa: “What?” Isobel: “I need to make sure that it's him in your dreams and not just some freaky drug addict nightmare that you're having, no offense.” Rosa: “Okay, you know you can't just say no offense after you say something offensive.” (Prpleight and Jamie)
2. Liz: “How did you get here so fast?” Kyle: “You called; I broke the speed limit. What else is new?” (Prpleight and Jamie)
3. Rosa: “Oh, these bitch-a** aliens.” (Prpleight and Jamie)
4. Alex: “You’ve been avoiding me.” Maria: “Well, I learned that you and all of our friends have been lying to me about aliens and murders and resurrections, so haven’t been feeling particularly social. That being said, I fell for your ex so I’ve decided, even though I’m still not speaking to them, you and I are even?” Alex: “That’s fair.” (Jamie)
5. Isobel: “Welcome back. You’ve been in a medically induced coma for twelve years. Taylor Swift is president now, which, honestly, is for the best." (Jamie)
1. Ruby: “Did you pull the handle off a toilet door because you thought I wasn't coming back?” Billy: “Nope, toilet door handles are really bad for germs. I find it's best to bring your own.” (Ellys)
2. Billy: “I had this moment of clarity that there wasn't a single person I had ever met in my entire life that I ever wanted to see again. And then I thought of you.” (Ellys)
3. Ruby: “Are you kidding me? Amazing Period?” Billy: “No! Amazing. Period.” Ruby: “But it sounds like…” Billy: “No, in America, you say period instead of full stop.” ~~When Billy gives Ruby his book. (Ellys)
1. Wanda: “You two are clearly in a rut.” Mellor: “You’re damn right we are!” Wanda: “Wait, do you think that’s a good thing?” Mellor: “A rut is the dream. I mean it just means the relationship is smooth sailing and there are no kinks to iron out.” Wanda: “Do you ever do Date Nights?” Mellor: “For us, every night is a Date Night. You just heard 3 of them.” Wanda: “Did you hear 3 Date Nights?” Coop: “At this point, I don’t know if I can identify a Date Night. I mean, is that when you go out and listen to music that isn’t about what direction the wheels on the bus go?”
2. John: “Good leaders don’t do everything themselves. They get the best out of everyone they lead.”
3. Julie: “Are you rocky roading at 8 am?” Mellor: “With rainbow sprinkles. Not even the new confetti colors can brighten the darkness I feel inside.” Julie: “Look, Leslie is just a friend. That’s all he’s ever been, and the job...even though I always planned on leaving this school for bigger career opportunities, I never planned on leaving you.”
1. Miggy: “I said goodbye to the kid I was and hello to the man I am. Everything changed in that 76 station. I was in charge, a leader. The staff agreed I was the best of all the dads.” Douglas: “Oh how good could you have been?” Poppy: “What other dads?” Miggy: “The gas station is next to the hospital. Seven babies have been born there. The 76 seven, bonded by a bathroom stall and parents with poor time management skills.” (Folie-lex and Dahne)
2. Will: “So what are we binging?” Angie: “Gavel Town, it’s incredible. The pilot’s bad. Second episode is like a totally different show. Three to five are treading water. Six sucks, but the seventh episode has an amazing twist that will make it all worth it.” Will: “A show that takes 6 hours to get good? Yeah, I’ll give it a chance.” ~~I mean... how many times have we all had this conversation one way or the other? (Folie-lex) ~~If this doesn’t encapsulate the “stay at home” TV environment right now, I don’t know what does. (Dahne)
3. Angie: “Sometimes you just gotta let your plan go, and let yourself be embraced by a random group of weirdos. Let us be your weirdos, Sheryll.” Sharon: “Sharon.” Angie: “Sharon.” (Folie-lex)
4. Poppy: “Okay, now that Ron’s not coming, the only thing standing between Sharon giving birth in a hospital and Sharon giving birth on Douglas’ couch is us.” Douglas: “Do you know how hard it is to get placenta off of leather?” Angie: “Do you?” (Dahne)
1. Rima: “You’re a good chief. A sheikha. We’re not so different. Women always have power; we just have to use it subtly in this man’s world.” Tommy: “I have a police force of 12,000 men and women behind me, I have the law, and I have a gun. There’s nothing subtle about my power.” Rima: “Power is slippery. When I was a teenager, I wore miniskirts in the streets of Kabul. Now women wear burqas. Regimes change. Women feel powerful, but...men always come out on top.” Tommy: “No, not always.” Rima: “Enjoy it while you can.” ~~It was something to see these bada**, strong-willed women go toe to toe. (Folie-lex)
1. Dale: “You go to this casino often?” MeeMaw: “Kinda. So don’t be surprised if everybody knows my name, how I take my whiskey and the colour of my lucky bra.” Dale: “Purple.” MeeMaw: “No, that’s my ‘get lucky’ bra.” (Folie-lex)
2. Dale: “Well, not much of a gambler.” MeeMaw: “You just left Georgie in charge of your store, so...disagree.” (Folie-lex)
3. Mary: “Why don’t you think of something more science-y? Like counting pi. That’s a thing, right? Pi?” ~~I love it when she tries to speak on Sheldon’s level. (Folie-lex)
4. Hutchins: “Well, since this is a high school we don’t have material about giving birth on the shelves, but since this is a high school, I keep a few things here under the counter.” (Dahne)
5. Sheldon: “So none of you can help me?” Einstein: “I believe I can. Sheldon, if I was offered a choice between all the knowledge of the universe or the endless pursuit of it, I would choose the pursuit.” Sheldon: “That’s very insightful” Feynman: “Hold it, hold it, he didn’t come up with that. He stole it from Gotthold Lessing.” (Dahne)
6. Dale to Connie: “Well, if you like me just for my body, I’m okay with that.” (Dahne)
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