A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
Week of December 13:
1. John: "See I know how this works, right? I've seen this bit. You train me on the beach, I go win the karate tournament, and then I get the girl."
2. Volker: "I taught you everything you know, John. Not everything I know." John: "You shouldn't sell yourself short, Ray. You taught me plenty."
3. President: "You're not him." John: "I'm not you either."
4. Volker: "Be careful, John. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." John: "Then I'll just kill you."
5. Volker: "You think I've become an animal?" John: "Nuclear accident in Marseilles, suicide/murder of the Argentinean prime minister, selling off nukes to the highest bidder? Yeah, I think you're an animal."
1. Ash: "I have to do it alone. Don’t you get it? Everybody dies here. It's just a rule. Death. Taxes. More death and I don’t pay taxes so all I know is death." (Prpleight and Dahne)
2. Kelly: "One false move and I will Second Amendment your brains all over this truck."
3. Pablo: "Dead set? Uh, let's say live set. Keep it upbeat." Kelly: "Exactly. We're not leaving a trail of blood and guts behind us. We're keeping Michigan moist."
4. Ash: "Wow. Last time I was here with a girl I was hoping to get laid. Didn't quite work out that way. I did cut my own hand off with a chainsaw though. It was a fun weekend." Amanda: "Trust me. You would never have gotten laid here."
5. Militia Grunt: "I'm gonna get you pregnant later." Kelly: "Won't your sister be jealous of us?"
6. Amanda: "Do you think there's another exit door?" Ash: "Uh no, but I'll say yes just to keep hope alive."
1. Sheldon: "For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls I'll stream it on Netflix."
2. Penny: "Let's just recap our options. Alright, we've got harp thing, sheep thing…" Bernadette: "Wild thing."
3. Movie Goer: "Star Trek stinks." Wil: "Yeah, live long and suck it."
4. Amy: "I'm just…um, really nervous." Sheldon: "Why?" Amy: "Well, I've been waiting for this for so long I've just built it up in my head. I don't know what to expect." Sheldon: "Neither do I but we can find out together."
5. Leonard: "So if you don't like Star Wars, why are you here?" Wil: "Oh, I'm just having fun. Everyone takes Star Wars so seriously like if the movies bad it's gonna ruin their lives." Raj: "Is it bad? Did you hear something? Oh my God, it's bad. Someone kill me." Wil: "See, that's what I mean. When you wake up in the morning, whether this is the greatest movie ever or a total piece of cr**, your life isn't gonna change at all." Howard: "He's right." Leonard: "Yeah, no matter what happens, we're coming back tomorrow to watch it again."
1. Ricky: "Els, you're not Annie Oakley. You're from Greenwich Village."
2. Milo: "Utopia. So why am I terrified for the future? You might call it blissful ignorance, but it's still ignorance."
3. Ellie: "This is nice. Just you, me, and the 5,000 by the gate." Ricky: "Maybe I'll go take them some loaves and fishes later. They'll like that."
4. Milo: "They've learned how to manipulate solids at a molecular level, probably using a controlled magnetic field. It's not magic, mom. It's just a 30,000 year head start."
5. Ricky: "I'm really tired. Pretty much been…uh, harvesting nonstop you know and Ellie and I are still trying to get pregnant. That's not going so well. Plus the Rams have had a terrible start to their season so this whole Utopia thing's a bit of a debatable point in our house right now."
1. Pruitt: "I can prove nobody here wanted Ethan dead." Sherlock: "I doubt you could prove you tied your own tie this morning."
2. Watson: "Unless you're dead, you're starting to annoy me."
3. Holmes: "The value of your dam is $2.3 billion in theory only. It can be zero if I call certain friends in Lima." Wellstone: "Now that boys and girls is how you deliver a threat. It's far more compelling than a warrant."
4. Holmes: "Why haven't you answered my calls?" Sherlock: "Beside from force of habit, I'm unable to. One of the hackers locked my phone until I'd finished chanting."
5. Holmes: "A cheating spouse is a time-honored motive. A cheating mistress, that's more tenuous. Fidelity cannot be expected if you yourself are the other man."
1. Nygaard: "Hey, there's right now and there's later. Why worry about later?"
2. Cobb: "What's the deal with the hat?" Miller: "Keeps the rain off my head."
3. Cobb: "I guess this guy pays well to be taken care of, huh?" Miller: "Yeah, he pays our bosses pretty well too, pal. Look don't try to save the whole station on your first day. Pace yourself." Cobb: "Any rain yet?"
4. Muss: "Hey! If I want his a** kicked, I'll do it myself."
5. Miller: "Air is good, don't you think? Air is nice."
1. Veil: "I'm not playing this game with you." Quinn: "What game?" Veil: "The one where you try and find enemies where they don't exist." Quinn: "Oh is that what you think I do?" Veil: "Your resting state is war. It's your nature. I'm not sure if it infuriates or delights you that you're now fighting your own body."
2. Ryder: "I prefer to make my own salvation."
3. Widow: "Remember that kindness is a weapon men use to get what they want."
4. MK: "It must be strange for you. Tough to care for someone and not kill them. I'm sure there's times you've thought about killing me." Sunny: "It's crossed my mind."
5. Lydia: "It's always gonna be me and you, Quinn. I will be by your side when the wolves reach our door, howling for your blood."
1. Baird: "No souvenirs." Ezekiel: "You know sometimes I don't think you guys take me seriously." Jake: "Really? There's times you think we do?"
2. Ezekiel: "I have seen you all die so many times when it didn't matter. I can't…I can't let it happen now when it actually does. So please, please, just this once let me be the big brother." Baird: "What do you need us to do?"
3. Ezekiel: "Crazy? So on a scale of running from minotaurs to Santa Claus is now a best mate of ours, where would time loop fall?"
4. Ezekiel: "I can't watch you die anymore. This way you sit there, nice and safe while I go learn what's past the gate. While I figure out how to beat it. That way only I die. You guys won't even remember. We'll reset and you guys won't remember a thing. It's for the best."
5. Jake: "Try not to kill me with that thing." Ezekiel: "I think I've killed you enough for one day."
6. Fae: "I know many things. I know what ends your immortality. You cannot be killed but you can die."
1. Brian: "So effective immediately, I'm done taking you guys for granted. Really. I'm not gonna ask you to get me gummy worms. I'm not just gonna ask you guys to get me gummy worms. I'm also gonna treat you like the trained agents that you are, okay?"
2. Ike: "I tried it this morning, meditating. Didn't work." Mike: "Didn't work? I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to think about it." Ike: "Fine. If picturing Brian Finch and imagining all the ways female Mike can reject me is how you're supposed to meditate, then I killed it." Mike: "Oh boy."
3. Casey: "You go these from the Canadians." Kevin: "They had thousands of them. Their trunk was better stocked up than Little Wayne's tour bus, alright?" Russ: "You need better material, man."
4. Ike: "Seriously? My hand looks like I have leprosy and it's stress?"
5. Nick: "Wha…you're not gonna take that?" Casey: "Why not? Didn't make me kill anyone."
1. Alex: "Are you a politician?" Hannah: "Oh it's really not nice to insult someone that you just met."
2. Caleb: "I get that you don't want to be around someone's happy family right now but I swear to you there's nothing familial about it and no one's gonna be happy."
3. Natalie: "There's cider too. Ulgh. Make that rum with a cider aftertaste."
4. Caleb: "Don't worry. I'm not Magic Mike-ing you."
5. Senator: "You came out here to make a good impression and I have turned you into my therapist."
1. Sylvester: "We never talked about it but technically, when I married Megan it made you and I brothers-in-law." Walter: "You know I've always found that term antiquated. How about we just go with brothers?"
2. Toby: "This is nuttier than George Washington Carver's lunchbox."
3. Toby: "Who has two thumbs and rocked his GI rotation? This guy." Cabe: "What are you babbling about?" Toby: "This place needs a dam colonoscopy. D-A-M."
4. Happy: "Just under 19 minutes to save the Who's down in Whoovile."
5. Toby: "If I unintentionally killed anyone, I am sorry."
Week of December 20:
1. Volker: "If you want to break me, try Manilow."
2. John: "Wow, I love it when people talk about themselves in third person." Pamela: "I like it when people talk about themselves. No secrets."
3. Olga: "This must be the girl you told me absolutely nothing about, John."
4. John: "You know what you are. You're like a mosquito at a nude beach. You know what to do. You just don't know where to start." Olga: "Famous American proverb?" John: "No, it's my grandma Rebecca."
John: "I take this new job and for the first time in my life I've got a father figure and an older brother and they both betrayed me. And I'm in that place where I don't even know what to believe anymore. I don't know what I've been doing and then….and then you show up. You show up like you walked out of a dream."
5. John: "Let's get the hell out of hell."
1. Ash: "Chopping up my evil clone. Maybe someday that'll seem weird."
2. Pablo: "Yeah, we definitely shot the right one." Kelly: "I'm reconsidering."
3. Ash: "Okay, there is no way they're gonna stay here cause they're gonna get possessed. Then they're gonna be on the night train to Kill-adelphia." Kelly: "With stops in Choke-lahoma City and Die-ami."
4. Ash: "We can't have hot and sexy coming back to ruin our day and I say that with all due respect to her. Well, brains before beauty."
5. Kelly: "The only person you're willing to lay down and die for is you." Ash: "Well that's because I'm very important to me."
1. Raven: "You don't trust me." Avery: "I do trust you. I just don't trust your judgment. You're still young." Raven: "I'm not Tobin, Avery. I put Jackson…Jackson behind bars today. Doesn't that mean that I've put my past behind me? Doesn't that count for something?"
2. Elijah: "It's all part of the sting, Nelson. She's just playing her part." Avery: "You two are the worst kept secret in DC."
3. Krumitz: "The target took control of the ATM using a whaling attack on Barnaby Bank CEO Ashton Wagner:" DB: "I'm assuming that has nothing to do with marine biology."
4. Mia: "My brother is dead because I was greedy."
5. Nelson: "Most guys don't like meeting their girl's ex. I'm looking forward to it."
1. Veil: "We are all slaves to our nature." (Nirat Anop)
2. M.K.: "There is no easy way out of the Badlands, no shortcuts, not detours. I know that now. Maybe Sunny and I don’t deserve redemption. Maybe my darkness will never be tamed. There is one thing I know for sure, the journey has just begun." (Nirat Anop)
3. Quinn: "I assume conversation is out of the question." Sunny: "You're gonna be my last tattoo."
4. Veil: "Is that why you're fighting, to rid the world of brutal men?" Widow: "There wouldn't be many men left if we did that."
5. Veil: "Any woman who forces girls to kill to show their love is not a mother."
6. Sunny: "Quinn, when I get out of these chains, I'm gonna clip you first." Quinn: "That's just like I told Veil. You'll always be a killer."
1. Jenkins: "That sounds like a sentence, sir, but there's no information in it."
2. Flynn: "And we are the librarians. Well I am and they are and she's…" Ariel: "Very unhappy to still be here."
3. Flynn: "The paths of magic, they're supercharged." Baird: "Is that good or bad?" Flynn: "Depends on how you feel about the end of the world."
4. Flynn: "Have you all lost your minds or have I?"
5. Baird: "That's not real love. Real love is hard. It's risky. Sometimes it breaks your heart but you have to take that chance because that's what's real."
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