A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off below the article.
1. Peggy: "Is he a regular?" Angie: "Yeah, but a regular what? I'm not allowed to say that on the clock." (Tonya Papanikolas)
2. Peggy: "I'm just considering all the angles - it seems you have a lot of them." Stark: "That's the Peggy Carter I need." Peggy: "For what?" Stark: "To clear my name." Peggy: "Oh, you can't be serious." Stark: "I try not to be. Sometimes it just slips out, anyway." (Tonya Papanikolas)
3. Jarvis: "Your line of work requires support... People who care about your well-being, who'll be there to stitch up your wounds." Peggy: "If I allow people to get close to me, I'm putting them in danger." Jarvis: "So your solution is to remove yourself from the world you wish to protect? Where's the sense in that? There is not a man or woman, no matter how fit he or she may be, who is capable of carrying the entire world on their shoulders." Peggy: "Steve was." Jarvis: "From what Mr. Stark has told me, Captain Rogers relied heavily on you... For courage, strategy, and moral guidance. You were his support." (Justyna Kubica)
4. Thompson: "If you don't mind, these surveillance reports need to be filed and you're really so much better at that kind of thing." Carter: "What kind of thing is that, Agent Thompson? The alphabet? I can teach you. Let's start with words beginning with A." (Dahne) ~Agent Carter knows how to put people in their place and I love that about her.
5. Sousa: "Poor guy, I heard he got his personality shot off in Iwo Jima." (Dahne) - ~Sousa cracked me up several times and is my second favorite character so far.
1. Job: "You know I'm actually starting to believe in God, and I'm thinking that motherf*** hates me." (Bradley Adams and Sandi)
2. Job: "What is it with you? Is it a death wish, is that what it is? Because if it is, why don't you go out and get yourself killed? Why do you always wanna get me killed with you?" Hood: "It's a lot of money." (Bradley Adams)
3. Job: "Damn it, he got the f***in' money!" Fat Au: "Go get him." [throws him a rifle] "Have you seen me run?"
(Sandi)
4. Sugar: "Is that your driving outfit?" Job: "Yes, it is. And fortunately it's also my "don't take any sh*t" outfit. So whatever it is you thinking about sayin', swallow it and pour me a f***in' whisky. If I start drinkin' now, maybe I'll be drunk enough to handle this town in daylight." (Sandi)
1. Cookie: "What I want is some respect, you little ungrateful opportunist!" (Ben L) ~What I loved about the quote is that Taraji P. Henson (from Person of Interest) showed a lot of courage to give her youngest son some tough love.
2. Lucious: "Now it won't happen today nor tomorrow, but I will start grooming someone soon and it can only be one of you." Jamal: "What is this? We…we King Lear now?" (Dahne) ~I love this response to a pretty pompous speech.
3. Lucious: "Are you out of your damn mind? I told you I was going to hook you up." Cookie: "And I'm telling you that's not enough. I want Jamal too." Lucious: "You can't have him." Cookie: "You're messing with the wrong b**, Lucious." (Dahne) ~All the scenes between Cookie and Lucious sizzled but this one packed the most punch. I love how Cookie is so determined.
1. Isabella: "I'm sorry, what is that smell?" Galavant: "That would be me." (Laura Markus) ~I could smell the stench of Galavant through my TV screen.
2. Sid: "Gal, come on, you're embarrassing yourself." Galavant: "I'm embarrassing yourself!" (Laura Markus) ~Galavant was drunk here; hilarious!
3. Joust Host: "First one to his feet is the winner?" (Justyna Kubica) ~Such a funny moment!
4. Maybe You're Not the Worst Thing Ever lyrics: Madalena - You're worse than crabs. / Richard - Worse than scurvy. / Galavant - Worse than lice or plague / Isabella - But truth be told, / Both - You're growing on me just like mold. (Dahne) ~I adore the biting wit and twist of the song lyrics in Galavant.
5. Isabella: "And how do plan on paying for anything, hmm? We have a priceless jewel we can't spend and a 6-foot hero we can't eat." (Dahne) ~Bwah! Where's a Subway when you need one?
1. Penguin: "Sir, I beg of you. My patron Don Moroni is obviously unaware of my predicament. A simple phone call would resolve things, I'm sure." Harvey: "But see - I like having you here because I can sit at my desk and look at you - it's soothing, like a bonsai tree." (Tonya Papanikolas)
2. Moroni (to Penguin): "You're a smart monkey - but you're a monkey. And I'm the zookeeper." (Tonya Papanikolas)
1. Jenkins, about the vending machine: "I adore these. It's like a miniature apartment building, and when you hit the right numbers , the occupant of your choice leaps to its death and becomes your snack." Baird: "You don't get out much, do you?" (Dahne) ~Jenkins out in the field was fantastic. I can't wait to hear more of his observations.
2. Ezekiel: "Alright, it's time to stop the crazy." (Dahne) ~Ezekiel may have driven me crazy in this episode but he did get some snappy lines.
1. Louis: "How do I look?" Athos: "Transformed, Your Majesty." Louis: "No. No "Your Majesty" tonight. Or bowing or fussing or any manner of deference. Tonight you treat me as an equal, all right? A friend. For one night I will enjoy the same freedom as the most carefree peasant. Must a king be a slave to duty all his life? Tonight I'm just like you. [pause] My, erm, my tunic's come undone." (Sandi)
2. Louis: "How much further must we walk?" D'Artagnan: "Until we are certain we are safe." Louis: "When I was a boy and I was tired my valet would carry me." D'Artagnan: "My father carried me. Sometimes I'd pretend I couldn't walk another step. Just to be in his arms." Louis "That's only because you didn't have a valet." (Sandi)
1. Diane: "Oh look at him, he didn't know whether to run or wet himself." Rebecca: "I like it. Fear is sexy." Gibbs: "You two know each other?" [...] Diane: "Nope, he is not running. I hope he has a clean pair of underwear." Rebecca: "Well, he didn't wear underwear when we were married." (Daniel van der Veer) ~ I love these two ex-wives teasing Gibbs. Hillarious!
2. Gibbs (after the team presents evidence that his second ex-wife was involved in the murders): "Oh man, I picked a really bad time to stop drinking coffee." (Daniel van der Veer)
1. Callen: "I figured out my New Year's resolution: I'm never going undercover as Jimmy the Mail Guy again!" Sam: "Jimmy the Mail Guy went postal!" (Tonya Papanikolas)
2. Deeks: "I'm feeling it." Kensi: "Feeling what?" Deeks: "Zen, baby, and I like it!" Kensi: "Disgusting!" Deeks: "What?" Kensi: "Why do you have to bring sex into everything?" Deeks: "I don't know what you're talking about with sex. I'm talking about Zen. I'm talking about being one with the universe here." Kensi: "Zen, he says. Zen? I think I know a metaphor when I hear one." Deeks: "Oh, you'll know my metaphor when I whip it out!" Kensi: "And there it is again." Deeks: "I don't know what you're talking about." Nell: "Hi." Kensi: "This is not what it looks like." Deeks: "What does this even look like?" Kensi: "You know exactly what this is." Deeks: "Kensi loves whipping out her metaphor." ..... Eric: "Hey, have you ever tried group Zen?" Deeks: "I'm sorry - what?" Nell: "I love group Zen!" Deeks: "Do you?" Eric: "Shall we?" Nell: "We shall." Deeks: "This might get sweaty with multiple partners." Kensi: "Please stop saying things that I can't un-see." Eric: "Brrrrrr (loosening his lips)." Deeks: "That's a weird way to start it." Nell: "Oh, yeah, I'm in the mood." Eric: "Totally feeling it." Deeks: "How you feeling, Kens?" Kensi: "I hate you - a lot!" Deeks: "Yeah, but it's opposite day - so you love me..... aaaaaooooooohhhhhhmmmm." (Group ends chanting) (Tonya Papanikolas)
1. Shaw: "Reese, you got a sec?" Reese: "Sorry, I'm busy making death threats to Samaritan operatives." (Bradley Adams)
2. Reese: "Coolly delivered sadistic warning." Fusco: "Self-deprecating inquiry into the time necessary to infiltrate system." Root: "Funny yet insightful retort." Finch: "Mildly agitated declaration of mission completion." (Bradley Adams and Justyna Kubica) ~Justyna - The Machine sure knows them well!
Honorable Mentions:
Agent Carter -
1. Chief: "Do I even need to ask?" McFee: "Ask what?" Chief: "Yeah I guess you're right. I used to strap a chair to my a** too and take long walks around the neighborhood too."
2. Thompson: "There's a chance this is an inside job." Jones: "Yeah, there's a chance I take Rita Hayworth home tonight but it's unlikely if you catch my drift."
3. Sousa: "You know, after I get hit…uh, at the field hospital, the chaplain asked me was there anybody I wanted to send my effects to should, you know, the worst happen. I told him I didn't think my dad had much use for two pairs of green socks and an old paperback. Let him remember my life, you know. Of course I didn't die, which was inconvenient 'cause the chaplain had already trashed my footlocker. Still missing half my stuff. I can't find my leg anywhere."
4. Carter: "Is he a regular?" Angie: "Yeah but a regular what, I'm not allowed to say that on the clock."
5. O'Brien: "You know there's a difference between being an independent woman and a spinster." Carter: "Is it the shoes?"
6. Carter: "Whitby's Prospect, third race." Sousa: "Are you sure?" Carter: "Not at all. That's why they call it gambling."
7. Thompson: "Last time I checked, stone and wood don't carry a magnetic charge." Krzeminski: "Well excuse me, Sir Isaac Newton." Thompson: "That's gravity, you dumb ape."
Banshee -
1. Chayton: "Proctor had his hands in Longshadow's pockets. One thing leads to another. Now Longshadow is dead. We'll be coming for you, white girl. You and Proctor. Soon." (Sandi)
The Big Bang Theory -
1. Amy: "I promised myself if I ever got friends, I'd do whatever they said. Really I'm lucky you found me before a cult did."
2. Amy: "There's a craft and folk art museum on Wiltshire." Penny: "Well that's Wiltshire's problem."
3. Raj: "Even Einstein was famous for attacking quantum theory on the grounds that God does not play dice with the universe." Howard: "Well of course he believed in God. He slept with Marilyn Monroe." Raj: "Actually there's no proof of that." Howard: "Buh…you believe in your religion. I'll believe in mine."
4. Howard: "So in addition to being crazy, you're arresting the fate of the mission on your athletic prowess." Raj: "Yes." Howard: "The man who crashed his stationary bike."
5. Penny: "Not really a great outfit for work unless something opens up in the Hookers and Whores Division."
Elementary -
1. Watson: "Are you going to wake up, Kitty?" Sherlock: "Of course not. I am a courteous housemate."
2. Joan: "Wait a minute. Are you guys researching the Twilight books?"
3. Watson: "How are you?" Sherlock: "Well my heart rate is normal for a man my age and my blood pressure is good to excellent last time I checked. You know better than to ask me such a non-specific question. What are you getting at?"
4. Bell: "I'm just saying you're putting a lot of faith in a guy behind at least 3 homicides."
5. Sherlock: "Sobriety is simply a grind. It's just this leaky faucet which requires constant maintenance and in return offers only not to drip." Watson: "You have your work, you have me, you're alive."
6. Joan: "Everyone never gets tired of embarrassing you, do they?" Sherlock: "Humiliation is the favorite currency of the hacker."
Empire -
1. Cookie: "I'm here to get what's mine."
2. Hakeem: "I'm working on new stuff now and you know that." Lucious: "You ain't worked a day in your life and you know that. You're spoiled."
3. Cookie: "Listen to me. You different, okay. It's only something mama knows, but it's gonna make life hard for you sometimes. But I want you to always remember, I got you. You hear me? Come here. I got you, okay?"
Forever -
1. TeenAbe: "You're just afraid." Henry: "Of course I am." TeenAbe: "And so am I. but what you don't understand…maybe you can't understand is that risking your life for something you believe in is a blessing, not a curse."
2. Washington: "Well detective, it seems you would have a choice. My analysis, which will wrap up the case by the end of the day, or Dr. Morgan's stew of suppositions and suggestions which will lead to paperwork and insanity." Jo: "You feeling okay, Henry?" Henry: "I'm fine, thank you." Jo: "I choose insanity. Welcome back, Henry."
3. Val: "Jason was…he'll be missed." Jo: "Apparently not by him."
4. Henry: "I'm sorry. Did you say that you stole these files from Clausten's boat?" Jerry: "Not stole. Liberated."
5. Henry: "You are indeed capable of making your own choices as I was at your age. You've reminded me of that and of how loving someone means supporting them even if it scares you to do so. Especially then. I love you."
6. Henry, about a rat dying: "Tragic." Abe: "No, not really."
7. Abe: "Our options? The only name on this letter is mine and the only option I'm considering is serving my country like you two did."
Galavant -
1. Richard: "Look. Here's the thing. My wife really wants that jewel of yours. Now I know at times she can come off as a bit….um, what's the word?" King: "Evil." Queen: "Cruel." Richard: "No, that's not it. It's more…" King: "Sadistic." Queen: "Vicious." Richard: "Yeah, I think you really just have to get to know her." Gareth: "She can be a b**."
2. Galavant: "So when it inevitably happened, when I fell…" Isabella: "You fell hard." Galavant: "I fell hard." Isabella: "And her?" Galavant: "Um, she fell softer as it turns out."
3. King: "The jewel of Valencia is priceless." Richard: "I know. I know." King: "It's the symbol of Valencia. It belongs not to us but to our people for thousands of years." Richard: "Totally understand. Totally empathize. Can I have it?"
4. Richard: "I've tried to be kind to you, have I not?" King of Valencia: "You pillaged our peaceful kingdom, killed half our army." Richard: "But I haven't killed you. Think about it."
5. Galavant: "Can I buy you a drink?" Isabella: "NO." Galavant: "Good, you can buy me one."
Best Quotes - 1.02 -
1. King Richard: "How can you be a hero if you're not wearing any pants?" (Laura Markus) ~Does this need explaining? I laughed so hard at this line, delivered so eloquently by Timothy Omundson. Galavant's dream sequence was great to watch.
2. Galavant: "So, yeah, I'm afraid of what happens the next time I get knocked down." (Laura Markus) ~I did not expect this show to get so deep so fast. This was an example of Galavant showing some real emotions, and it was quite nice.
3. Galavant: "And I ride to save my one true love." Sid: "Though she ripped your heart in two." Galavant: "Not true." Sid: "Pretty true." Isabella: "Very true." Galavant: "To destroy the king she was forced to wed." Isabella: "More like chose to wed." Galavant: "Not true." Isabella: "Kind of true." Sid: "I've got to say it's pretty true."
4. Syd: "So are we keeping the rooster or eating the rooster? Cause I'm not naming him if we're eating him."
5. Galavant, huffing and puffing: "Oh my tummy hurts. That was a long song."
6. Isabella: "Any man can get knocked down. The hero's the man who gets back up."
The Goldbergs -
1. Barry: "She got away with all our ammo." Adam: "Not all of it." Barry: "How?" Adam: "Sleight of hand. And you thought magic camp was for dorks." Barry: "I still do, but good work."
2. Barry: "You showed that video to all my friends and the girl of my dreams." Adam: "And my girlfriend. I can only take so many hits like that before she comes to her senses and dumps me."
3. Murray: "That's it. I'm cleaning this whole place out." Erica: "No, where am I going to hide my six pack of….homework." Barry: "And the magazines I'm holding for a friend." Murray: "Hide it in the woods like every other kid."
4. Beverly: "Did you know that Albert Einstein's first macaroni necklace just sold for over 1 million dollars?" Murray: "Einstein, huh? Which child would that be?"
5. Beverly: "How do you not feel anything?" Murray: "I'll tell you how and it's simple. Our children are not talented." Beverly: "You're a monster."
6. Adam: "Oh no, for years our stupid life choices and physical awkwardness has given you ammo to humiliate us but no more."
Hindsight -
1. Becca: "What if I hadn't become a doormat for my difficult boss? What if I had kept my mouth shut and not accidentally destroyed my friendship with Lolly? What if I could get back all those hours I wasted watching Melrose Place?"
2. Becca: "Somewhere in this box of demented pixie, rockabilly, lumberjack clothes is a perfect outfit."
3. Becca: "I know he was dorky but he got cute. The same thing happens to Patrick Dempsey."
4. Becca: "Maybe it doesn't have to be perfect. Maybe if you try to be perfect, you miss everything, the moments in between. For what?"
5. Becca: "Great news. My mother thinks I'm a failure." Andy: "Your mother loves you." Becca: "In her own unique way. Apparently like Darth Vader loved Luke. Can we uninvite her to the wedding?"
The Librarians -
3. Jamie: "Dad, who are those people?" Heyer: "They're librarians, honey." Jamie: "Librarians?" Heyer: "Wow, now that I say that out loud that does not make any sense at all. Not a lick."
4. Jenkins: "And if indeed it is a troll you're facing, well it's not been nice knowing you per se." Baird: "How do we fight a troll?" Jenkins: "You don't. You flee or you die quickly."
5. Ezekiel: "Hey, it was your plan." Jake: "I was being sarcastic." Ezekiel: "Subtext is very hard with you." Jake: "I don't have any subtext."
The Musketeers -
1. 1. Louis: "I am Louis, son of Henry IV, of the House of Bourbon and Marie de Medici. I am your King. You cannot treat me like this." (Sandi)
2. Pepin: "If we are to die, this is how I want it to be - by my King's side, fighting again for our freedom, not in the belly of some ship."
3. Milady: "I thought you'd never stop running."
4. Anne: "How could your men have allowed this?" Treville: "The king was adamant he experience Paris as a commoner." Anne: "Then they should have made clear to him the utter stupidity of his suggestion."
5. King: "It is not the hardship of the galleys that I dread the most. It is a life apart from my son."
6. Milady: "Think of me as a Good Samaritan." Louis: "An angel more like."
Scorpion -
1. Toby: "I'm rocking so much adrenaline right now, my blood's basically Red Bull."
2. Sylvester: "It took me like 15 minutes to crack." Toby: "An eternity."
3. Toby: "30 kills in 30 seconds on a game no one's played in 10 years?" Lady: "That's the rule, Grandpa. I didn't make it." Toby: "Grandpa? I'm 32."
4. Paige: "I've seen pictures of these conventions. They don’t do them justice." Happy: "World's largest gathering of virgins."
5. Sylvester: "I heard you held up like a champ. Better than my first arrest….that was inappropriate."
Sleepy Hollow -
1. Hawley: "Seriously, he can't handle a woman like you. The guy serves spirits; you hunt them."
2. Jenny: "You don't know how to use it." Hawley: "Well it's ancient Sumerian, Mills. Would you believe the manual's lost?"
3. Abraham: "I will let you try and return me to the man I once was, but in the interim I am no man's prisoner."
State of Affairs -
1. Navaro: "The department has been designated Bellerophon." Dash: "The guy who rode Pegasus." Lucas: "That was Perseus." Dash: "In the movie. Read the book."
2. PotUS: "You created the man who killed Aaron. You ran him for 3 years and never even thought to tell me that. You were nearly my daughter-in-law. You cannot comprehend the depth of betrayal I feel from you."
3. Nick: "So do we wait for bullets to start flying or do we pop open the champagne? Oh wait, that's right. We're in Yemen."
4. Givens: "People always show up when it's time to kill someone."
5. PotUS: "You swore to me you would find the people responsible for Aaron's death and kill every last one of them. You broke my heart, Charleston. Don't break your promise."
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