A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the SpoilerTV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
Roswell: New Mexico - (Prpleight)
1. Michael: “Please don't tell me someone is walking around Roswell right now with the off-brand lightsaber.”
1. Charles-Haden Savage: “So, our victim was less likable than a dead cat.” (Prpleight)
2. Mabel: "The motherfucking garbage bag.” Charles: "Why would he get on the elevator with that? There's a shoot on every floor. What was in there?" Oliver: "We all had the same thought?" Mabel & Charles: "The garbage bag!" Oliver: "Ah. Different thought." (Folie-lex for the rest)
3. Charles: "A great true crime mystery unpeels itself like an onion." Oliver: "First the crime, then the characters, and then their secrets." Mabel: "The secrets are the fun part. Who's telling the truth? Who is lying? What are they hiding?" Charles: "Because, lets be honest. Sometimes it's easier to figure out someone else's secret, than it is to deal with your own."
4. Oliver: "I don't lock my door. Never have." Charles: "That's insane." Oliver: "It's neighbourly" Mabel: "I mean a murderer probably lives in the building, but I guess old white guys are only afraid of colon cancer and societal change. Sad."
5. Howard: "Last night... [sobs] Sorry. Last night my cat, Evelyn died. I'm sorry, I can't... I don't like doing this." Oliver: "Time, please. Thank you. We're gonna cut. Um, I like the emotion. Keep that. But I kinda need you to enunciate better. Do you have anything?" Charles: "The crying is covering the dialogue." Oliver: "Oh, that's a good... that's a good note."
6. Mabel : "I don't think being unlikable means he deserved to die." Oliver: "Well, no, no. I think w-w-what Charles is saying is for the podcast we're still looking for a way to care." Mabel: "He was alone. Isn't that enough to make us care?"
7. Charles: "Lets see if Mabel's free. I'll call her... Or should I text?" Oliver: "... Calls bother them for some reason." Charles: "Yeah... I think it's a text."
8. Teddy: "It would be nice if I had posters of the shows you talked me out of investing in. Les Mis?" Oliver: "Yeah, I know." Teddy: " 'It's such a downer, Teddy, and all over a loaf of bread' ?" Oliver "Well, it was." Teddy: "Mamma Mia. 'I didn't like ABBA when they were ABBA'." Oliver: "Yeah." Teddy: "Hamilton." Oliver: "They picked the one Founding Father with no pizazz. That was... wrong..."
9. Charles: "I'm sure it had some good moments." Oliver: "Well, at the end of the first act there was this amazing number where 12 mermen dove from a high pier into a pool built into the stage floor. But, the first night of previews, they'd been having problems with the hydraulics that lowered the floor. But I said... "Go for it'." Charles: "Uh, huh." Oliver: "And as each merman sang 'Make a splash...' they all dove down from the high pier, one by one. And I can still hear the sound of them all hitting the floor. Thwop! Thwop! Thwop! Thwop!" Charles: "All twelve?" Oliver: "All twelve. Chorus boys tend to stick together." Charles: "Well, you made a mistake. We all make mistakes...- No one died, right?" Oliver: "No." Charles: "Yeah, well, okay. We all make mistakes."
1. Elena: "Sometimes going into the past, is the best way to free yourself in the future."
2. Tino: "You told me your family doesn't want you to pursue music." Alma: "Yeah, but you told me that family is everything." Tino: "Play for them. Really play for them... from your soul. They will understand."
1. Esme: “Marta took my bread roll. According to the rules, each child is expected to respect the personal property of their housemates. IT WAS MINE! THIS is a matter of justice!”
2. Alex to Kelly: “You are strong, you are smart, you are powerful. We all have doubts but it's when you thought you could protect me you took a risk and it’s only when we take risks that we can really find out who we’re meant to be.”
3. Dream Realm Owl: “The wise understand by themselves Nia, fools follow the words of others.”
1. Boimler: "This isn't work. We're playing Diplomath." Rutherford: "And we're at a crucial point in the negotiation. We're both about to lose!" Mariner: "Why is that good?" Boimler: "If both sides are equally unsatisfied with the negotiation you can close the deal. Ready for final offers...? Eh, I don't like it." Rutherford: "I guess I can live with that." Boimler and Rutherford: "THAT'S A COMPROMISE!" Mariner: "Oh, boy. I'd say you guys should take up a less embarrasing hobby, but it might be too late."
2. Boimler: "You shouldn't have started that rumour. I mean 'kill anything in her way'? Why would you want people to think that?" Mariner: "Because it keeps jerks away from me. But I can't believe you guys would ever believe that. You're my best friends." Rutherford: "I... I think we believed because that part made sense." Boimler: "That a badass like you wouldn't really be friends with guys like us."
3. Shaxs: "Uh, Mariner, wh...what's happening?" Mariner: "Those two beautiful, nerdy men are negotiating us to safety using the power of math."
4. Rutherford: "No Tendi, I don't remember, and that's the problem. My whole deal is repairing starships. If I can't fix this little toy then I don't even know who I am anymore.” Tendi: "You're still Samanthan Rutherford." Rutherford: "Am I? The old me was better. I can't figure out his notes, and I'm like a year behind being friends with you. It's like I'm competing with my own ghost."
5. Mariner: "So, why'd you leave?" Boimler: "It just wasn't fun." Mariner: "Not enough famous admirals?" Boimler: "There were, but you weren't there to make fun of them with me... I'm sorry I left for the Titan the way I did. I guess I was worried you would talk me out of it. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I didn't even know you had feelings." Mariner: "Of course I do. I just don't show them to everyone. I don't know why I make an exception for you."
6. Cpt.Freeman: "Our ship might not be the biggest, and we might do the missions nobody else wants, but we are still Starfleet. My crew deal with just as much shit as Picard's or any other. We might eb California-class, but we are the best at what we do. I'm Captain Carol Freeman, this is my crew and you are letting is into that party!"
1. Rebecca: "I don't know what to say." Higgins: "How about the truth? "I'd love to meet up, but I'm worried that you can't live up to the fantasy I've created in my head. So I'm going to let my insecurities keep me from possibly finding my one true love"."
2. Dr.Fieldstone: "I was quite offended, by what you said about my profession... That just 'cause a therapist is being paid, they don't actually care. Let me ask you something. Would you coach for free?" Ted: "Yeah, I would." Dr.Fieldstone: "But do you?" Ted: "No, ma'am." Dr.Fieldstone: "And yet you care about your players, right?" Ted: "Yes, ma'am." Dr.Fieldstone: "Then why would you assume it's not the same for me? I don't assume that all coaches are macho dickheads." Ted: "That's a good point. Consider me dunked on."
3. Roy: "Hey Siri. Play the 'Roy is sorry for not understanding Keeley' playlist... I stole those roses from your neighbour's garden. Ripped them to shreds. And that, that's Phoebe's light so I'm gonna have to give that back or I'm gonna get it in the neck. And that, that's a foot scrubber or something. The woman said it's good if you've got gross feet." Keeley: "What? You think I've got gross feet?" Roy: "Babe, I think you're the cat's pyjamas, but your feet are a fucking state. But who am I to judge? I found so much of my hair down the drain, it looked like a rat got trapped and fucking drowned... Now, you are not gonna see or hear me for at least three hours." Keeley: "Thank you."
4. Bridget: "So he refuses to be vulnerable, right? Sounds like someone I know." Dr.Fieldstone: "Oh, stop it. Me and Coach Lasso are nothing alike." Bridget: "Sharon, you do the same thing. He uses humour to deflect, you use your intelligence." Dr.Fieldstone: "Please. I do not harness my savantish nature to alienate people and isolate myself... Okay, I hear that."
5. Roy: "You can't swear Phoebe." Phoebe: "But you swear all the time." Roy: "Yeah. And it didn't hold me back 'cause I'm a footballer. No one cares if we swear. It's part of the job. It's encouraged. But you can't be a doctor, or a teacher, or a...-" Phoebe: "Veterinarian for wild animals." Roy: "Or a veterinarian for wild animales. I still don't get how that works. What? You treat them in the woods and no one pays you? You know what? Doesn't matter, the point is you can't do that if you swear all the time... Look, you and I spend a lot of time together and I love every second. But I weren't trained in how to be around a kid. And sometimes... I get concerned... that I've been infecting you with the worst parts of me." Phoebe: "That's not true. Uncle Roy, you teach me great things. I called that boy a name because he's a bully. And because of you, I stand up to bullies... and referees. And I can do that without swearing." Roy: "Yeah. Because you are better than me." Phoebe: "I'm as good as the best you. Maybe we can stop swearing together." Roy: "Fuck you... I can't. But you can. Pretty please." Phoebe: "Okay Uncle Roy."
6. Ted: "Hey fellas, hold on a sec. I need to tell y'all something. Um. When I left the match against Tottenham, it--it wasn't 'cause, you know, my stomach was bothering me. It was 'cause I had a panic attack. I've been having them from time to time as of late, and I'm working on it. But, I just want y'all to know the truth. We good?" Higgins: "Oh, yeah." Roy: "Yeah." Nate: "Of course." Ted: "Okay, alright. Alright lets go get 'em. Richmond on three--" Higgins: "Wait! I need to confess something too. I messed up the time zones on our transfer deadline, which is why we didn't sign up that amazing fullback from Brazil." Nate: "Oh, my God." Ted: "It's okay." Beard: "Okay." Nate: "Okay." Ted: "Yeah, all good. That's alright, yeah. Okay here we go." Roy: "I don't read the scouting reports you guys write. I've lied every time they've come up. They're boring and I won't do it." Ted: "I appreciate that." Nate: "I pretend to get ideas in the moment, but they're just good ideas I've had for months. I just time them to look spontaneous." Higgins: "It's a good move." Ted: "Yeah. Illusion of the first time." Beard: "There was one game this season where I was accidentally on mushrooms." Nate: "Accidentally?" Beard: "I'd been at Jane's house and I drank tea from the wrong pot." Roy: "The Port Vale match?" Beard: "Yeah." Roy: "Yeah." Beard: "It won't happen again." Ted: "Thanks guys." Beard: "Thank you." Ted: "Alright lets go kick their butts." Beard: "Butts on three." Ted: "Works for me. One, two, three." ALL: "BUTTS!" Ted: "So you all fancy now, drinking tea, huh?" Beard: "I didn't know how to tell ya."
1. Amy: "Sir, I didn't realize you were still staying at Rosa's. I thought couple's counselling was going well." Holt: "Not anymore. At Kevin's request I offered to reduce my work hours by 26%. Kevin countered with 50. Which I countered with 30. Then Kevin says 40--" Amy: "Seems like a lot of math for therapy." Holt: "That's what Dr.Cheryl said... which is why we fired her, and now we're working with Dr.Ramanujan. He's a physicist with a nice concrete worldview. Anyway, Kevin refuses to budge from 36%, and I'm starting to worry that I might lose to him." Amy: "You mean lose him." Holt: "No. Lose TO him. Therapy is a chess match, and... I will prevail." Amy: "Oooor, it's about saving your marriage."
2. Jake: "You wanna lie to our dear friend about the one thing that's most important to him in the whole world?" Terry: "Yes." Jake: "Okay, good, me too."
3. Kevin: "We are going with a pretty whimsical fold... lenghtwise." Terry: "That is... funny." Kevin: "The intent was whimsy, not humor. Now you have me doubting everything."
4. Holt: "The brass is having a closed-door meeting today, about our reform proposal, but apparently the union is gonna claim that we fudged our numbers." Jake: "That's crazy. Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers. Sometimes I think she loves them more than me. Stupid numbers, think they're so great. I'd love to see numbers give you a baby."
5. Jake: "I know that when things are hard I talk them through with Amy. And just being with her, looking into her eyes, everything that seems so complicated becomes simple. And then... I just know."
1. Erica: "Why are you warning me?" Jess: "Maybe 'cause the last time [Scott] came over you agreed to dog-sit for him while he went out with another woman, girl." Erica: "No. No, 'cause what happened was that was an accident. I accidentally... I just I kind of offered without thinking...-" Jess: "Which is exactly why I'm calling to tell you to think about not doing that this time." Erica: "Do you think I should just tell him how I feel?" Jess: "What?! No. No, no, no, no. I've hear you talk about how you feel and you can't even make sentences." Erica: "Full sentences, maybe, but half sentences, I am rocking."
2. Xavier: "You know sometimes when I was standing post at night, I thought about you." Olivia: "Come on. You didn't even know me." Xavier: "Well I imagined perfection... so then I'd know you when I met you."
3. Scott: "Honestly, I just need him to howl. I don't care about his feelings."
Erica: "You don't... care about his feelings? You can't... Feelings are important. You can't just ignore them. You have to let him have his feelings. He can't bottle them up. Doesn't work. He needs to get them out. He should, no matter what anybody else says." Scott: "Erica, you're not really talking about Hooch anymore, are you?" Erica: "Maybe not. Maybe I'm talking about...-" Scott: "About me. That's it right? About my feelings. About Brooke's dad getting me this job. About being deputy in charge. And about feeling like this case is just wrong. I mean I can't ignore those feelings! Oh, you're amazing. Thank you. I gotta go. Okay."
Erica: "Okay... I was talking about me..."
4. Laura: "He doesn't look cool. He looks like a mean coach in a karate movie."
5. Scott: "I'd maybe ask Erica, but she's been so busy." Jess: "Oh, right. Uh, yeah. So, about... that... um... I maybe, kinda told Erica to make herself less available." Scott: "You told her not to talk to me?" Jess: "You were--you were taking her for granted. Calling her at all hours, skipping sessions 'cause of "work" or you and Miss Thing have opera tickets. So I just-I just told her to pull back a little, and she did. So I'm sorry. But also, like, not." Scott: "Not?" Jess: "Not, no. Yeah, not, 'cause, like dude. Come on. You-- you can't do that." Scott: "You're right. That was not good."
6. Erica: "I am calling about Hooch. Curtis had mentioned there might be a problem, and he heard you talking to Guy about some...-" Scott: "Yes, Erica. I-- I'm so sorry. I... I took you for granted. You're not my dog butler. You... I value your help, and your friendship and just you in general. And I have been selfish and a jerk. And I really apologise." Erica: "Oh, um. Thank you."
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