Supernatural - 6.05 - Live Free or Twihard - Recap

Previously on Supernatural, Harmony and Gordon became vamps (I miss Gordon), Gramps was creepy and cocky, Lisa was amazing, Sam lied to Dean, and Dean worried about Sam, which is par for the course these days.

Over in dank goth bar, a braindead teen shows the world's fakest id to a bartender who doesn't care. Her name is Kristin for those keeping track of Twilight references. There she meets her internet-stalker date, PrettyBoy Vamp. PrettyBoy (Robert) compliments her lame poetry and pretends to be interested in what she says. Since this is purposely a retelling of Twilight's over-angsty drama, it is not worth recapping. I know this was supposed to be funny but to me it was a waste of 4 minutes. I wanted snarky one-liners not a play-by-play of the worst of Twilight. Moving on. The heavy breathing, longing glances, and emo music are distracting me.

Braindead wants to be a vampire so PrettyBoy takes her into a dark alley. Lost in her vampire fantasies, she is destined for disappointment. "This is it? But it smells like pee." Natch! Boris the Biker Vamp steps into the alley and Braindead realizes her mistake. Cut to the fabulous title card. I love the broken glass theme better than the crows.

The next day, Dean is talking to Lisa who is as awesome as ever. They plan to hook up. Dean is happy; Sam is focused on the 6 missing girls in 7 days. That's a lot of braindead teens. Braindead's dad talks about how hard it is to raise teen girls. Just wait until 18 hits, dad. It's like 15 all over again. And finally we get snark. "What do you think he was talking about?" "I don't know…drugs." "Oh it is so much worse!" "Vampires." "Nah, these aren't vampires man. These are douchebags." Yep, Braindead's room is a shrine to all things undead.

Sam finds her laptop under her pillow, because she's so clever at hiding things, and it screams when the vamp screensaver comes up. Sam: "That's just uncomfortable." Dean: "What's he so bummed out about?" Love that line! While Sam works his computer magic (i.e. tries to figure out her password), Dean picks up her copy of My Summer of Blood. "Look at this. He's watching her sleep. How's that not rape-y." Gotta agree here. Tell a teen that Edward is a controlling, manipulative superstalker and try not to gag when she says it's romantic. Ew! Dean is astonished that My Summer of Blood is a national bestseller. "How's that possible?" Again, can't agree more.

Sam misses the mark thinking Braindead cares about Dracula, Dean goes for the werewolf ("Are you kidding me. That kid's everywhere. It's a freakin' nightmare.", and then Sam scores with Pattison. Twilight reference 829? PrettyBoy writes lame comments so Dean thinks he's a mouth breather. Sam claims it's a clever way for real vamps to lure out victims. Dean still thinks perv. Sam is obviously right.

That night, vamps attack a blood bank driver, kill him, and take the blood. What? The braindead girls aren't enough? Sam calls Grandpa Creepy (thanks for the name rochey_1) who creepily states the obvious. (Why, Yes. It is vampires.) Sam is confused about why they need more blood (me too Sammy) and GC tells him to figure it out. Thanks Gramps!

Over at the Black Rose (aka dank goth bar), Dean makes snarky comments about emo chicks and tries to connect with Sam over a beer. Sam is focused on the job at hand. There are three good vamp candidates but one ends up being gay (gotta love Dean and Sam's expressions) and now there are 2. One for each brother. Dean: "Alright, you go with Efron. I got Bieber." Great line!

Samurai Sam slices EfronVamp in a mighty impressive backswing. Go warrior Sam! But Sam gets no joy out of a job well done. Meanwhile Dean tracks down HornyBieber the nonvamp and does his best "Hands Off my Daughter" impression. HornyBieber takes out his fanged orthodontia and Dean eyerolls, "What are you? 12." Dean is amazed that the sparkly vamp routine works. Score one for veiled Twilight snark. Dean tells HornyBieber to "Mmm-Bop your way out of here." and I laugh out loud for the first time. Dean PSA's safe sex.

All is not well though as Biker Boris steps out of the alley, saying, "You're pretty." to Dean. Come on Boris. You've been alive for over 600 years and that's the best pickup line you've got. Where have you been hanging out? Frankenstein's Charm School. Get PrettyBoy to help you.

Dean tells Biker Boris he's just not that into him, but Boris is adamant about getting some Dean. Concussion ensues. What in Hades! Sam arrives in the nick of time looking all concerned and then just stops. His face blanks out and the creepy head nod is back. He smiles while Dean is forced to drink vamp blood and Boris spidermans his way out of the chaos. Dean is tragic and Sam is, um, confused maybe?

Ok, that's it. Sam is not Sam. I don't think he is Lucifer either, but something's not right in Giantville. That was calculated and cold in a way Sam has never been. Even more than agreeing to torture the kid in The Third Man. I want answers! This not Post-Traumatic Hell Syndrome. He looked like Sam as he was running and as he glanced at Dean afterwards but in between it was like he was possessed. I see conspiracy theories flying.

At the hotel, Dean has extra-sensory everything. Bye bye alarm clock. (That's me in the morning.) Sam tells Dean it'll all be better but Dean wants Gramps to kill him. Dean calls Sam on being way too calm and Sam wants to talk about what being vamped out feels like. Dean wants out of the conversation. "Newsflash Mr. Wizard. Vampires pee." He wigs at seeing his new fangs and decides the rational thing is to go to Lisa's. Um Dean, did this really seem like a good plan to you? Cuz I'm not seeing the upside. I understand wanting to say goodbye to the woman you love, but you yourself said staring at a sleeping woman is creepy.

Freaked out Lisa turns on the light and worries about Dean. Dean stumbles through a goodbye before he starts mummmble, mmmumble, mmumble. What was that Dean? I thought he was penzin or pentsing, but since these aren't words, I'm going with Pattison-ing. It's funnier and dead on. Dean emos how he isn't good enough for Lisa and Ben, but when she stops him from leaving he shows why he's ten times the man Pattison will ever be. Man those two are smoking hot together. Anyone else disappointed when Dean leans away? Not even the shot of Dean vamp teeth makes up for us not seeing that kiss. Seerrraaa! is the new Kripkkkkeeee! Oh yeah, and Dean pushes Ben into a wall before he leaves. So long happy family!

Grandpa Creepy arrives to save the day and chews Sam out for losing his brother. No fair Gramps. I so don't want to like you. Dean de-lurks out of the kitchen, explaining that things didn't go well with Lisa. You think? Gramps and Sam grab the knives and demand answers. Yippy skippy - Intense!Dean returns. Love it! That intimidating look, the deeper voice. I get chills every time. Points for Sam too who looks concerned and nervous - you know, human. Both Dean and Sam look shocked when Grandpa Creepy says he can turn Dean back. Great acting all around. Best scene this episode. Grandpa Creepy: "I didn't drive all this way to kill you Dean. I'm here to save you." I know I should be "awww" but I'm wondering what the catch is.

Shout out by Gramps to SuePo (with her awesome Campbell Soup Kids moniker). Love how Grandpa Creepy states that they haven't tried to devamp someone in ages but he's sure it will work. Speaking of which, why haven't they tried? Shouldn't this be common hunting knowledge? Way to lock the good stuff up for yourself Gramps. Afraid you won't get the credit? Dean is tired of GC's lecturing (blah blah blah)and goes to get Biker Boris's blood. He plans to "Get in there. Get the guy alone and shoot him with so much dead man's blood he'll think he's rushing a fraternity." Not sure I get the similarity because dead man's blood has inspired lethargy and pain in the previous vamps. I remember rush parties inspiring libido and puke.

Sam wants to go too but Dean says he reeks "like a walking hamburger". Ha! Dean can also smell the vamps. I'm not sure that super-smelling is the superpower I would want, especially when visiting the warehouse that smells like pee. Also, how sad is it that when Sam offered to help Dean, I automatically questioned why. This Sam does nothing without purpose. My original thought - he wants something in that vampire nest. Although nice surprise face on Sam when Dean says he can smell the vampires. GC gives Dean a syringe of dead man's blood that could "drop a linebacker and then some." No offense, but a syringe? These guys invented salt rounds and the Walkman EMF. Shouldn't they have a better way to inject dead man's blood? You have to get pretty close for a syringe. I'm thinking dart gun.

Dan leaves and Gramps gets all in Sam's face. Apparently Sam knew about the devamp potion. Yikes! He sure made good surprise face when Dean heard about it. Sam deflects saying he didn't know (great job here Jared) but GC pushes the issue. He accuses Sam of using Dean as bait. Sam's pants catch on fire metaphorically as he lies through his teeth and then leaves. Gramps and the viewing audience believe NOT ONE word. I do not like where this is heading. I hate Grandpa Creepy. I want to continue to hate him. They better not make him sympathetic! On the other hand, Gramps and Sam have both been hiding things from Dean since they are apparently on the hunt for the Alpha Vampire. That might have been useful info BEFORE Dean headed to the lair.

Dean sneaks into the Warehouse of Pee but needn't bother. PrettyBoy's been looking for him. He invites him to grab a pint (of blood) from the frat fridge. PrettyBoy drops the bomb that they don't kill people anymore and is envious of Dean's exploits. So… the braindead teens weren't hamburger like assumed. All hail the new cast of America's Next Top Model - Evening Emo Edition. I'm going to paraphrase Spike from Buffy here. These girls were all annoying in life. Why would anyone want them and their bad angsty poetry around for eternity?

Dean threatens to show PrettyBoy what killing is like but PrettyBoy is too busy enjoying the meal and talking to Dean about the vampire recruitment campaign to notice the danger. Aw, Braindead is still living and writing bad poetry as they speak. I guess it's the catnip of online stalking. Braindead doesn't like her new job and the sexual harassment violations that come with it. Not sure all the blood you can drink is a good payment plan either. The warehouse is filled with cages of girls drinking from the blood pipeline. Suddenly I'm in the setting for a vamp porn movie. Squicky! And now I need to shower.

Biker Boris leads the 70's porn brigade and appreciates that "pretty" Dean didn't get beheaded by the hunter. Dean feigns ignorance about hunters and Boris is far too self-assured, guaranteeing he will be dead by the end of the episode. Boris loves Stephenie Meyer because "These stupid little prats are so horny they've reinvented us as Prince Charming with a Volvo." Boris is an equal opportunity pimp. Dean will bring him the girls and the girls will bring him boys. Not a surprise, Boris is not the ringleader. AlphaVamp created the game plan.

Biker Boris wants to give Dean the private tour but Dean pulls the plunger too soon and alerts Boris of the dead man's blood. Fighting ensues…no wait..everyone drops into a coma? What? Apparently AlphaVamp needs to get a new calling plan. I don't think having your followers drop unconscious so they can hear you is a good war strategy. Shouldn't he be concerned that his entire flock will be beheaded during a conference call? Dean falls into a bad LSD trip starring the vamped out twins from Nightmare on Elm Street. (One, two, Alphas coming for you. Three, four, no rules any more….)

Dean awakes to Boris's skanky vamps attacking while a bald-headed man looks down from the balcony. He reminds me of Igor. I sure hope this isn't AlphaVamp - not impressive. Dean heads upstairs to get him and this time a fight does ensue. PrettyBoy gets his head chopped off in vivid detail. Skank 1 goes headless. Dean is mighty impressive with the blade too. The Winchester bros could take this act on the road.

Sam and GC arrive as a vamp falls on their van. Cars are sure taking a beating these days. Glad Metallicar is safe. Inside Dean takes down the rest of the spider vamps brutally. Guess Dean didn't lose any mojo after all. Killer!Dean rocks too. Woah! Dean leaps the balcony and lands on his feet, sword in hand. Are vampires related to cats? Biker Boris has not learned from any villain in the past as he begins to spill the secret plans. Sam and GC sneak in but Dean has already killed them AAALLLL! Rather anticlimactic for them. (Question- Where are all their heads? Lots of bodies, no faces.) "Looks like your brother has some Campbell in him after all." Thanks Grandpa Creepy! I hate you and you condescending, secret-hiding, I'm in charge ways again. They find Dean and Sam asks if he's okay. Dean uses Biker Boris's head as a footstool.

Back at the motel, Sam badgers Dean about what he saw in the nest. That's not suspicious in any way, Sam. Grandpa Creepy's magic potion looks like blood, "L'Chaim," but Dean starts puking grape Jello shots - go figure. Maybe dead man's blood is like rush week after all. At least Sam looks worried here.

Dean sees the whole episode in reverse, which is kind of pointless. We saw it too Dean. I'm guessing it’s a plot contrivance so that Dean can see again, clear as day, that Sam watched him get turned. (Can I just reiterate that his smile at that point is far creepier than anything the CSA has done?) Also, the cameraman reminds us that Dean's eyes are indeed green. That close-up was so close up I felt sure blood would start spurting from his iris.

Sam is stoked that Dean made it through alive, but Dean is reeling from Sam's betrayal. Yep, Dean, I don't think it's Sam either. Sam asks again what Dean saw. The episode wraps up with Dean explaining how the Alpha Vampire organized the whole thing as part of a recruitment drive. The worst thing is that the hunters don't scare the monsters anymore. Huh? That's the worst thing Dean? Not sure I agree with you there. Plenty monsters in the past weren't exactly fleeing from you and you have a lot bigger fish to fry. Like Sam. Like Lisa. That non-phone call was not a good sign. I like Lisa and Ben. Sera, if you are writing them out of Dean's life, it better not be this way. Talk about non-closure.

Sam says he's sorry Dean didn't talk to Lisa but that smirk on his face says differently. What are you up to Sam? It sure isn’t telling the truth. Dean: "At least, uh, you got my back? No matter what happens I can always count on you, right Sammy?" Sam: "Yeah, of course Dean." Yeah right!

My conspiracy theory #82/83 - Sam is using the Campbells more than the Campbells are using him. He knows exactly what they are up to , but has a plan to use that to further his own goals, whatever they may be. OR Sam is hearing from an Alpha monster, but this one has better control of his power. Instead of being knocked unconscious, Sam goes into a possessed state. This could account for why he looked concerned when he first sees Dean getting attacked but then turns into RoboSam. Afterwards, he is freaked out again. What do you think is going on?

Next Friday - Bobby, Cas, the "truth", and lots of brother angst. Oh goody!