A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the SpoilerTV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
1. Dr. Jace: “Dr. Helga Jace. Scientific log. Day 97 of Markovian captivity. An old colleague of mine, Dr. Lynne Stewart, will be arriving soon. Colonel Mosin wants her to create the meta stabilization cure for Markovia. Unfortunately, if Dr. Stewart is successful, my usefulness to Mosin will vanish and I'll be...dead. But to keep things light and cheery, and since Dr. Stewart will be reluctant to share her formula, I'll be forced to engage in various bonding rituals to gain her trust. The human connection is such a puzzling subject so...I did my research and...I created this handy checklist. I am very confident that Dr....oh correction...Lynne and I are destined to be besties. [FYI Checklist Reads: (1) Make eye contact. (2) Listen sometimes. (3) Pretend to care. (4) Find commonality. (5) Use Compliments_]” ~~Of course this was immediately followed by Lynne trying, fervently, to bash Jace's face in. This was the single most hilarious scene in the three seasons of Black Lightning. (Prpleight)
2. Lynne: “You lying little b***!” Jace: “Surely you can see I'm also a prisoner here. I'm not on the Markovian's side. And, in fact I've been trying to help you. Didn't you get my message?” Lynne: “Shut up.” Jace: “I knew it. Because of the data I embedded in Cyclotronic, you were able to create the meta stabilization formula.” Lynne: “Your message contained a virus that killed several metas.” Jace: “Minor oversight. You just remember who you have to thank for creating the greatest medical breakthrough in the history of mankind. Me. You're quite welcome Dr. Ste....I mean Lynne.” Lynne:
1. Carter, affecting a British accent: “Allo bruv. It's good to hear a familiar accent. Where you from then, mate?” Bad guy: “East London. You?” Carter: “Right. Yeah, I know eastern, eastern south -- uh-- South East London.” Dave: “Now we know why Harley didn't get that Guy Ritchie movie.” Dot: “It's like he wants to die.” (Prpleight)
2. Carter, to Dave Arquette: “Did you cater a crime scene?” (Dahne)
3. Carter: “You’re just taking it too far, man.” Arquette: “It works for Jack Bauer in every episode.” Carter: “Yeah, but that’s 24. We’re more of a Castle vibe here. Okay, less Bauer-hard. More Fillion-hard.” (Dahne)
4. Carter: “You want us to hold your jacket while you kick their butts.” Sam: “Nah, those guys are just proof the lowest common denominator just found the basement.” Arquette: “How do you know he wasn’t whistling at me?” (Dahne)
5. Carter: “Finally, the star of our movie, star #3.” Arquette: “Spaghetti and meatballs.” Sam: “Are you trying to tell us you’re hungry?” Dave: “Or insane, because message received.” (Dahne)
1. Jo: “You were in my house, Benny. We took care of you when you were hurt. How did I not know? I never even suspected that you were lying.” Benny: “I wasn’t, not entirely.” Jo: “How could you say that to me?” Benny: “Because I couldn’t kill you Jo. When I had the chance, I couldn’t do it.”
2. Piper: “I’m happy I was in your family.”
3. Jo: “Alright, you stay with me at all times and whatever I tell you to do you listen, okay? But not like you normally listen. Actually listening.” Piper: “I’m not afraid.” Jo: “You know what? This time you need to be. Come on.”
4. Jo: “Alright, somebody better tell me who thought this field trip was a good idea because I’m going to kill ‘em.”
1. Jubal: “We are always so focused on...on winning, you know? On helping that we never really stop and think about all the consequences of our noble decisions - all the people we hurt, all the lives that we ruin.”
2. Jubal: “She wasn’t a real gangster. She just fell in love with the wrong guy, and the truth is, if...I think I let my ego get in the way and there was the booze. I was drinking a lot at the time. If I didn’t charge Christina, her daughter does not grow up without a mother. She doesn’t start hanging out with gangbangers.” Castille: “No, un huh, don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself. Maya’s murder isn’t your fault.”
3. Manager: “I may be a music manager, Agent Bell, but I’m not as country as you think. Yale Law School, Class of 2014.”
1. Lincoln: “I don’t think my personal life is relevant to you doing your job, but yes, I have a family. They live in Chicago.” Amelia: “It is relevant to me, Lincoln, if you sent them away to protect them from the same serial killer who has the home address of my family.”
2. Sellitto: “I told Lucy’s parents not to get their hopes up. I didn’t stop to think about my own. I, uh, let myself believe even after all this time, she might be alive out there, waiting for us to find her. That’s a rookie mistake.” Amelia: “Hope can’t be managed, Sellitto. I think it’s a good thing. Look, I know I’m new to this, but I don’t know how you do this job without it.”
3. Amelia: “You’re in high spirits today.” Lincoln: “No different than any other day.” Amelia: “No, usually your mild disdain and impatience are part of your charm. I come in here and Claire’s walking on eggshells. Felix is grumbling…” Lincoln: “Maybe people should just do their jobs.” Amelia: “Maybe they’d do them better if the work environment was a little more...harmonious.”
4. Lincoln: “I don’t do apologies well.” Claire: “You don’t do them at all.” Lincoln: “So we can skip to the part where you know I didn’t mean what I said.” Claire: “We could or we could just jump to the part where I realize that my job is to take care of you and not to push you.” Lincoln: “Sometimes those are the same thing, aren’t they?”
5. Lincoln: “Our old tradition. Close a case, raise a glass. Not that I can raise mine.” Sellitto, putting in a straw in the glass: “I got you covered. To Lucy Arthur.” Lincoln: “To never giving up.”
6. Castillo: “I hate morgues.” Amelia: “Does anyone like morgues?” Castillo and Sellitto together: “Kate.”
1. Russ, looking at Mac’s overly gadget-strewn house: “Oh, I like it. Very nervous-breakdown chic. Very now.” Mac: “I don’t get a whole lot of visitors.” Russ: “Well, how can you tell? They could be anywhere.”
2. Mac: “I need you, Bozie Wan-Kenobi. You’re my only hope.” Bozer: “Don’t episode 4 me. That’s a New Hope, man. That’s sacred.” Mac: “It’s that serious.”
3. Russ: “Look, you’ve been out of the game for over a year and in that time, a lot has happened. Notre Dame’s caught fire, Accrington Stanley got promoted from Division 2, and, oh, that’s right, I run your team now.” Matty: “And you are crushing it. Running an unsanctioned op so mismanaged that you allowed an apocalyptic bioweapon to slip through your fingers. You’re great.”
4. Desi: “You said she was retired.” Russ: “Well, technically she wouldn’t take my call.” Matty: “No one takes your calls.”
1. Kay: “Tomorrow, you will accomplish whacking moles and winning cheap stuffed animals, like we’re a normal family.” Nicole: “That doesn’t sound normal. It sounds trashy.” Kay: “We live in Atlantic City. Normal is trashy.”
2. Jay: “Just for the record, I never meant to steamroll you into playing football, It’s just that, how was I supposed to coach you in soccer if I didn’t know anything about it.” Mike: “You think soccer’s tough. My kids are into particle physics and numbers that somehow also have letters in them.” Jay: “I guess you just try to do the best you can and then you hope for a couple of moments like this.” Mike: “Why is it so much easier to talk like this in a car?” Jay: “A car’s a perfect spot for a father-son talk. You know, nobody can leave, you’re staring ahead for the most part so there’s none of that weird eye contact, and then there’s idiot drivers that are always a good conversation starter.”
3. Kay: “Hey, how’d you get rid of grandma? Did you tell her Michael Buble’s signing CD’s at Barnes and Noble?” Nicole: “No. She’s making us a nail appointment.” Kay: “Oh sweetie, no. You will be strapped to a spa chair while Grandma grills you about dad. That is not a nail appointment. That’s a hostage situation.”
4. Kevin: “He’s got to be close. How far could he have gotten?” Jay: “If that thing runs on shame, he could be in Connecticut by now.”
1. Malcolm: “When I was 10 years old, Martin Whitly tried to kill me. My father tried to kill me.” Simon: “Well, that’s terrible, but you knew he was a predatory psychopath.” Malcolm: “I know that. My rational, overeducated mind understands who he is, but the child in me thought he cared, loved me even and now I can’t see that anymore. All I can see is me, age ten, dead.”
2. JT, seeing Malcolm in his white suit: “What up, Miami Vice?” Dani: “Aww, that’s no way to talk to a friend. How is everything? Were you able to kill James Bond…”
3. Simon: “Were you concerned about Bright’s mental state?” JT: “Of course I was. If Bright was an actual state, he’d be Florida.”
4. Jessica: “She gave that boy everything she had and he joins a cult. I mean how hard is it to accept a trust fund, settle down, pop out a few grandchildren?”
5. Gil: “You’re in no state to work a case.” Malcolm: “I’ve been working this case.” Gil: “I brought you onto the team because you’re the best of what you do, Bright, but not when you get like this.” Malcolm: “Like this? I’m like this because of Martin Whitly, because of John Watkins, because of you.” Gil: “What?” Malcolm: “You asked for my help. You knew I couldn’t say no and you brought them all back into my life. You did that. You started this.” Gil: “Get the hell out of my precinct.”
6. Edrisa: “Who invited their coke dealer? I mean, hello Colonel. I love your chicken.” Gil: “Okay, now I’m glad I brought you.”
7. Dani: “Your dad seems….nice.” Malcolm: “He’s not.”
8. Lady: “That was outstanding. You’re a hero. What is your name?” Malcolm: “Malcolm. I’m Jessica Whitly’s son.” Jessica: “Yes, he is. Darling, I find myself underwhelmed by the social scene here. Shall we?”
1. Tommy, who just became the first female chief of police of LA: "If I fail it will be 20 years before they give another woman this job.“ (Julia)
2. Tommy: "He tried to rape me in my hotel room. I broke his nose. They talked me into calling it sexual harassment. Nothing happened to him. I lost ten years of my career and became a feminist icon. Frankly, I would rather have the ten years back." (Julia)
3. Blake: “Chief, the mayor's office asked that you hold off making any kind of statement.” Tommy: “The office asked? What, it was like Beauty and the Beast, where the furniture talks?” (Julia and Dahne)
4. Guy: “There are a few bad apples in every barrel.” ….Mayor: “There are no apples in Los Angeles. It never gets cold enough.” Guy: “It’s a proverb.” Mayor: “A cop who pimps out a 15-year-old girl with an 80 IQ is not an apple. He’s not a quince. He’s not a loquat. He’s a scumbag.” (Dahne)
1. Sheldon: “I don’t care about money.” Georgie: “But you care about science, right?” Sheldon: “Of course.” Georgie: “So I offer you the chance to do an experiment and you’d rather play a video game? What would Professor Proton think?”
2. George: “You just gotta get out of your head. You’re thinking too much.” Missy: “I promise, thinking too much has never been my problem.”
3. Connie: “So now I have these two guys in my life, and I know that might sound like bragging but at my age, if you are single and not hooked to an oxygen tank, you gotta swat ‘em away. I’m still p*** at you for dying. I’m not gonna just sit at home and miss you. I mean you wouldn’t want that. You’d want me to go out and have fun, right? Take your time. Think about it.”
4. Mary: “So how are you enjoying your first meal with our family?” Dale: “Well everybody’s mean. I love it.”
5. Mary: “Lord, I really need you right now. I have tried so hard to lead my family to your light, but so far, Sheldon doesn’t believe in you, Missy thinks you’re a magic trick, and you’re not a teenage girl, so Georgie doesn’t think about you at all.”
6. Connie: “Do not be a jerk to John.” Dale: “Why would I be a jerk?” Connie: “You’re gonna be camping, you’re gonna be in the woods, you’re gonna be drinking. You’re a jerk without any of that.” Dale: “Don’t worry. I know how to get along with people.” Connie: “Knowing how and doing it are two different things.”
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